I'm Sad...

But I don't want to talk about it yet. But you can send me squishy emails if you want to. Or comments even. They'll do. Anything to do with my general fabulousness and how much you all miss me to pieces would do quite nicely. Okay bye.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I was reading back through some of my old posts and I found this survey I filled out in October of 2004 so I figured I'd do it again because it's short and I kind of liked the questions. It's always fun to compare how you felt about things then with how you feel now. And I like this one because it's all very shallow. Nothing too deep which is nice because I'm so tired I could barf. Or it could have been all the cheesecake I ate today. Senor, you make the best damn cheesecake for which I simultaneously love and hate you at the moment. :-)


1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: "There were other things you might not necessarily know or..."

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? Pillow. I've been lounging on the couch. It's what I do.

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?: "Must Love Dogs" a fairly inane girly movie with John Cusack and Diane Lane. I love John Cusack. He makes everything better when I'm feeling blah. Which I am. Holiday withdrawls I think. Blah.

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is: 10:34 pm.

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?: 10:53 pm. Shit. I really should go to bed. I have to get up in 6 hours.

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?: The water running in the trailer park water feature my neighbours have outside their door, neighbours arguing, a car driving by and something electrical humming. Oh, and the doglet making little sleep barking noises. That's pretty much the cutest sound in the world.

7: When did you last step outside? Doing? A couple of hours ago. I went to McDonalds. What can I say? I'm feeling a little down. John Cusack and a cheeseburger were my only recourse.

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?: My friend Moody's blog. He has a life and he posts pictures of it for my vicarious enjoyment. It's great.

9: What are you wearing?: Jeans, pajama top (my weiner's really big in Japan) and a hoodie. It's cold in my apartment. And the swanky new necklace the Senor gave me for Christmas. It's beautiful and I love it.

10: Did you dream last night? Yes indeed. Really, really awful nightmare. Woke up really wigged out. Don't particularly want to talk about it. Too personal.

11: When did you last laugh? Today. Sometime. I spent part of the day with the Senor and the rest of the day with the momma both of whom tend to crack me up. When I'm not being a total gloomy freak that is. I'm on a bit of a gloomy freak streak (tee hee) these days.

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in? Crazy chinese calendar I bought in San Francisco, giant butterflies I made myself, a not so good painting I also made myself (it's a triptych), some art deco style posters of rock bands, and some other little things. I like stuff on the walls (so does the Senor, don't you?). It's good.

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?: A plane ticket out of here. Don't know where really. Just somewhere else. Not forever mind you, just for awhile. Maybe somewhere warm. I still want to go to Moscow very much but maybe not in December. I think I'd go to Mexico. Maybe I'd buy out my car and drive there. Stopping at many tourist attractions and buses selling Mexican food along the way. Or maybe I'd buy a little apartment or house somewhere on the island. And then a plane ticket. So I'd have somewhere all my own to come back to.

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know: I have this compulsive thing I do where I have to touch everything. If I'm walking along the side of a building I have to run my fingers along the wall (not necessarily the entire length of it, just a little will do). If I'm in a gallery I have to touch the paintings (I tend to keep my hands in my pockets so I won't). I run the tips of my fingers along the edges of fabric because it tickles (I used to do that to edge of my grandma's pj's and blouses when I was little so she gave me one of her nightdresses to sleep with and we called it my tickley. I've never been able to shake the habit). It's something you either find completely endearing about me or so annoying it makes you want to snap my neck like a chicken. I once petted the fur trim of a woman's hood on the subway. It's freakish, I know.

Bruises, Prom and Other Ridiculous Things

I have this big, black (more purple than black now actually) bruise the size of a baseball (maybe tennis, I'm not very sporty) on my left elbow. I'm not sure how it got there (it was a Christmas party and I had about 12 too many crantinis) but it hurts. You'd think I'd remember something like that. Guess not. It's kind of a shame because there's no way it's going to go away before New Years Eve and I've spent a lot of time and energy planning my ensemble and none of my plans encorporated a giant black bruise. Although by then it should have yellowed quite nicely. However, none of my plans encorporated a yellow bruise either. Or green for that matter. It's really quite a shame.

I've decided that my obsession with this ensemble (and I feel quite comfortable calling it an obsession) stems from my not having gone to my prom. That's a little misleading actually. We didn't have a prom the year I graduated. The idiots in my grade 12 class voted against it. I'm really not sure why. Probably all the crack. Kidding. So here I am, 13 years later, obsessing over a stupid New Years ensemble (I love that word). It's a sad thing really. I should've fought for my prom. If watching Pretty In Pink taught me nothing else it should at least have taught me the importance of prom. Whatever. My grad dress was hideous anyway.

I Love This Car

So much so that I photoshopped myself into the picture with it. Because I'm a dork.

A Few of My Favourite Things...

Here are some pics that make me happy. Because I love engrish. And horrifically artificial "natural" shots. And My friend Andrew's funny face. He's so hot right now.

Uh-oh

I just found myself absent mindedly humming Christmas carols to myself. Crap. Bubble's back on. Gah. So tired.

Fuck Christmas

That's it! My bubble has burst. I foolishly ventured out into downtown traffic (can you say really old people who can barely wipe their own asses still piloting oversized vehicles at the slowest possible speeds with complete disragard for both the laws of traffic as well as man coupled with a flagrant disregard for common sense) and it sucked. Alot. But that's not the bubble bursting component of my day. Nope. Then I went to the liquor store where the one thing I was looking to pick up (no, not my liquor store boyfriend) was completely sold out. But that wasn't it. Nope. No way. The final bubble bursting event came when I finally dragged my sorry, tired ass back into my lovely little apartment to watch my favourite Christmas movie of all time the Grinch Who Stole Christmas and what do I find? It's not the real grinch that I rented at all! It's some stupid thing without any narration where some guy just reads the bookas it goes along. Fuckers. So I'm done. Fuck Christmas. I'm tired of all of it. Everybody I talk to is wicked cranky and all I want to do is hide under my bed (with my prezzies) until it's all over. Grrr.

Ooo! Idea!

I just had the best idea! So, there are all these people who hate Christmas (or it could be that my excessive Christmasy perkiness offends them in some way...I doubt it though). I don't get it myself but I'm sure they have their stupid reasons. So this is what we need to do. We need to create some sort of cranky bastard network so that when these people are feeling the Christmasy ass twitching coming on they can contact another cranky bastard in the cranky bastard network and pick a fight with them or comiserate or whatever it is that cranky bastards do when they've got a Christmas bug up their Scroogey asses (would that be a humbug? tee hee) and then they wouldn't need to mess with my bubble. It's a good plan. Then places of business where the management are cranky bastards could put up little signs in the windows like the breast feeding friendly signs welcoming all cranky bastards and that way I wouldn't have to put up with their bastardy ways in my workplace. I like it. I'm going to get right on it. After I finish watching the Nightmare Before Christmas and wrapping the rest of my prezzies. I've gone prezzie mad this year. I'm all aflutter.

Christmas Bubble Bursting Bastards!

Why is it that people have to get so stupid and stressed out and bitchy and burst my happy Christmasy bubble? Why?! To everybody who gets pissy because of Christmas I say fuck off! What's the big fucking deal?! So you have to go out and buy some prezzies for your loved ones (and maybe a handful of not so loved ones) ooo...I'm really sad for you! Honestly, get over it. Christmas is a time for us to hang out with our friends and families, get some sweet prezzie action, eat some super fattening, partially narcotic food and generally be crazy and indulgent. How is this a bad thing? Feel guilty? Do something nice for someone - volunteer at a soup kitchen, donate some money or food or presents for people who can't afford them themselves. Find your families annoying? Suck it up! That's what families are for. Chances are you annoy them too. That's why god invented martinis. Don't like prezzies? I have nothing to say to you. I can't relate to that at all. I enjoy all aspects of the prezzie. I like buying them for other people (it's the easiest thing in the world to make someone happy at Christmas - even if your gift sucks ass if it's thoughtful the person will appreciate it and if they don't, then they suck and you should not spend another second worrying about them). And obviously I enjoy the getting of prezzies! Yay! Prezzies! How could you not love a holiday where you can find just about anything covered in a layer of glitter? Seriously. I don't get it. So, in conclusion, Christmas is good and people who run around in pissy moods trying to burst my super happy festive bubble with their overall crankiness can kiss my shiny metal ass (okay, it's not shiny or metal but I love Bender and if you don't know what that means then there's nothing I can do for you).

Merry Fucking Christmas.

Malls Scare Me

Yo. Wuzzup? You know who I hate? I hate the guy from the Spence Diamonds ad on the radio right now. He sounds like such a smug little weasel. Like he's wearing kahki pants with pleats. And brown leather deck shoes. And one of those ugly t-shirts with the little femmey collar. Smirking. You can hear the smirking. I swear. He makes me not want diamonds. Okay, now I'm getting a little carried away. I mean, it's not the diamonds fault that he sucks. Why punish them? Did I mention I like diamonds? I also like my doglet. Which is why I feel quite sad that she launched herself into a tub full of really, really hot water the other day and scalded herself. With much yelping and scrabbling of claws and whatnot. It wasn't nearly as much fun as you might think it would be. Poor little doglet. She's okay though. And no, I didn't find a bun big enough to put my boiled weiner in. People think they're sooo funny. And I bought my first pair of stiletto heels yesterday to wear with my pink sequined New Years dress (is it really pink Senor? you just don't know). It was exciting. Now ask me if I can walk in them. Tee hee. Um, not so much. But as long as I stand absolutely still and lean against the wall it's all good. And they look supa sexy. I'm kidding (but not about the supa sexiness - they're some hot shoes my friends). I can walk. Just not with what you would call grace. Or even coordination. But I'm working on it. I'm sure by downstairs neighbours can attest to that. You gotta love hardwood floors. Now, what is it about Christmas that makes people so damn bitchy? I love Christmas. I'm a single, separated, 30-something year old woman, living with a small dog in Duncan of all places and I still love Christmas! Hello, prezzies! So what's the problem? I was in the mall today and I thought people were going to kill each other. Which given the selection of people at the Mayfair Mall in Victoria might not be an entirely bad thing but I digress. So I'm in the mall, malling around (I hate the mall) and all around me were frazzled moms hissing at their children (because a really angry mom doesn't shriek, she hisses) while death gripping their ears or arms or in one case their face. It was scary. And then I had to shove one vapid mouthbreather out of my way in Le Chateau because apparently me standing directly in front of her saying excuse me in my super friendliest voice while trying to squeeze past her and her 8 million kids (each from different fathers I'm sure) and stacks of hootchie wear while she examined yet another must have mini (or was it a tube top? it's so hard to tell) that she really shouldn't have been looking at at all (as with spandex, the mini is a privelege, not a right) wasn't a clear enough indicator that her giant trailer park ass was blocking the entire aisle and she should perhaps get the hell out of my way. In retrospect I probably shouldn't have shoved her. Her herd of little monsters could easily have taken me down and I'd've disappeared beneath a pile of tiny halter tops and glitter sweaters never to be heard from again. The mall is a dangerous place. Not for the faint of heart. And now I must Buffy. I'm bored and tired but it's too late to nap so Buffy it is. Who doesn't love Buffy? Lesbians, that's who. I don't even know what that means. Okay bye!

I Think...

I think I'm allergic to my Christmas tree. :-(

I Have Got to Move...

Or make some Duncan friends. Probably moving is a safer bet. I'm so bored! It's Friday night, 2 weeks before Christmas and where am I? On my couch. And what am I going to do (rock you?)? Nope. Watch a movie, do some work and go to bed. Fuck. I love my apartment but I've been recently thinking that for the sake of my sanity I should try again to find something in Victoria for me and the doglet. It seems that most of my friends are there now and I'm starting to feel really isolated here in the Dunc. It's not like it's out of the question for me to drive to Nanaimo or Victoria for some partyesque festivities but once I'm there with the cocktails and the whatnot I can't get home. And I have to get home due to inclement dogness. That makes no sense in the strictest...sense...but I like it anyway. Sometimes I just throw words that I enjoy into a conversation they don't really belong in and hope for the best. But yes. Victoria. It's expensive and that's a drawback but I could really do with being closer to my people. And now that we're into the swing of things at Malaspina (being a new teacher and all) we're not having faculty meetings every 5 minutes so it would make more sense to be in Victoria. If only I had a roomate. Of course there's the issue of now having more furniture than anyone really needs to have but I'm sure I could work around that. Oh, and all of my friends have cats. Could be a problem. Oh right, and I hate everybody (when it comes to living together). That's definitely an issue. Maybe I'm just doing that thing where I get bored and really need to shake things up a little. Maybe it'll pass. Or maybe I'll go postal and kill us all. Only time will tell. Any suggestions (not for the killing...I've already got my list)? Anybody need a semi-postal roomie?

Meowmeowmeowmeow.

Lalalalalalalalala! Who doesn't love Christmas?! Crazy people, that's who! And who doesn't love my swanky Christmas tree?! Sickos! Commies! Ass muppets!

My tree kicks ass.

The senor brought it to me as a surprise. It's like when my kitty used to kill stuff and leave it for me on the floor in intervals of about a foot all the way from the bed to my car. But not as yucky. And it smells way better too. Yay senor! Good kitty!

What you can't tell is that there are lots and lots of lovely balls on my tree. And who doesn't love lovely balls? I asked my friend Saucy and he couldn't think of anybody.

And now I must sleep.

Nothing. Seriously, nothing.

It's been a really weird day. I spent the entire day doing absolutely nothing worthwhile. Well, I went for my weekly breakfast burrito which was delicious as always but beyond that...zip. I tried to do laundry a little while ago but realised as I pulled up to the laundromat that they closed in about an hour so there wasn't enough time. So I went to Starbucks and continued my grand tradition of doing absolutely nothing for another hour (but with latte this time) and now I'm home. Doing...you guessed it. You'd think I'd feel pretty good after a leisurely day of nothingness but I just don't. I feel like crap. Maybe I'll feel better after I go to the gym. Ha ha. It's boot camp night again and I'm still sore from the last one. I think they're really trying to kill me. They just laugh when I say that but I think it's nervous laughter. They know that I'm onto them. I can sense it. I wish I knew more people here. I'm so bored! Aaarrrrgggghhh! I may have to resort to going to a movie by myself. On a Friday night. No. I just can't do it! I'll go for a long walk with doglet and rent something instead. Not to mention my apartment is disgusting and I should really get off my ass and clean it. This is a really boring post. Sorry about that. That's what a day of absolute nothingness does to me. Grrr.

Snow! Yay!

Yep. It's me. With my swanky red scarf which I'm wearing because it's SNOWING!!! I'm so excited I could barf! Because snowing = Christmas and Christmas = Christmas trees and Christmas carols and Christmas dinner and...wait for it...Christmas presents!!! Yay!!! I love Christmas. I really do. And speaking of which, here's my Christmas list for those of you who asked. Because some of you did. You know who you are.

- Painting supplies. Canvases (as in men, the bigger the better) and paint (the type being acrylic - the brand being "Golden" - the colour being pretty much anything. But I always need Titanium White.)

- Books! There's a new Anne Rice out. It's about Jesus. Does that seem like a weird combo to anyone else? Son of a Witch by...I can't remember who but it's really popular and being advertised everywhere so it shouldn't be hard to find. I want both of these books alot. Just so you know.

- A new life. Oh wait, if you could buy those in stores I'd've saved up for one already. Nevermind.

- Digital camera! I know, chances are it's too much but hey, go big or go home right? Tee hee.

- Starbucks gift card. I love Starbucks. Mmm...starbucks.

- There's that whole jewellery thing. I like jewellery. Especially from that cute little store in Duncan. It's cute...

- Another month of Fit Camp (also known as boot camp) at my gym. This is a far fetched one because it's really expensive but there's no harm in trying. :-)

Okay, that's all I can think of right now but if anything else comes up I'll let you know. You better believe it baby!

Did I Mention the Free Time?

Here we have concrete evidence that some people should just not leave their house. Certainly not to loiter at eye level with my comfy chair in Starbucks. My eyes! The burning!

And a happy little Christmas tree in downtown Duncan. I use the term downtown loosely. Very loosely. But it's a cute little tree. I'm thinking of sleeping under it Christmas Eve since I don't think I'll be having one of my own. (Insert pity here).

And lastly a photo of the cutest silvery star bracelet (and matching necklace and earrings) ever! I know, I know. I just really like stars and bracelets. So it's perfect that way! It's a store in Duncan. Downtown. Just in case any of you are interested...:-) Did you know that Christmas is coming? Tee hee.

Random Cell Phone Pics (because I have a lot o free time)

So here we have my beloved doglet trying to kill me by eating my face. It's our morning ritual. I tell myself it's a sign of affection...

And the above doglet looking very chagrined and remorseful. I tell myself the remorse is because she was trying to eat my face, not because she failed.

And yet another reason why my neighbours are really, really weird. I found this giant bucket of prescription bottles on the landing outside my apartment this morning. So, so weird. There's also a giant microwave that looks like it's about a thousand years old. Just so you know.

West Coast Weather

What is it about the west coast weather that just sucks the life right out of me? I mean, I love rain. I really do! It's great. Okay, I sound sarcastic here but I'm actually quite serious. I dig the rain. But at the same time it leaves me feeling just blah. Like all I want to do is curl up with my blanket and a good book or a movie and snuggle the day away with my doglet. Bring on the hot tea and biscuits! But I have SO much to do today! Aaaarrrrrrrrgggggghhhh! I've been up since 7:45 this morning (don't ask me why, I just woke up then and that was that) and this is how my day has gone...woke up, finished the book I was reading (2 1/2 hours), got dressed, went out for breakfast (another hour and a bit), paid my cell phone bill, went to the bank, cried about my lack of money (not really, no crying this time, just a little whimpering - curled up in foetal position on the floor in front of the bank machine, a little embarrassing really but nothing they haven't seen before I'm sure), came home, played with the dog (who is now napping snuggled under the blanket - apparently the rain makes her sleepy too) and have since been trying to muster up the motivation to get some work done so I can paint some more (can't paint until certain work is finished - I made myself a deal). But so far I've just watched 3 episodes of Roswell instead. Oh, and I played Tetris for quite awhile as well. It's been a stimulating day thus far. And what time is it now? Almost 2 o'clock! My day is just wasting away. At this rate I won't have any time for painting! Grrrrrr. Grrrr I say! In the immortal words of Milli Vanilli, Blame it on the Rain. :-) Yes, I know I'm a dork. I'm okay with that.

Ooo, artsy.

I've been painting for hours today and my eyes are all buggy. And wobbly. If they could talk they would say "nyaaah!" I wouldn't know exactly what they meant (nyaaah is quite vague really) but I would appreciate the sentiment nonetheless. I'm painting very blue paintings with butterflies. It sounds awfully girly doesn't it? That could be because it is. Because I'm just a girly kind of girl. It's true. And now I'm very bored and craving pizza. Mmm...pizza. Or starbucks. I'm craving pizza because my friend fed me some the other night and it was yummy. I pretty much always crave Starbucks. It's an addiction. But I'm okay with that. But I'm also very lazy and poor so chances are I won't be having either. Grrr. Grrr I say! What else? My dog is sleeping which makes me nervous because if she sleeps too much now, she won't be letting me sleep later. And how's that a good thing?! And do you have any idea how hard it is to mix the exact same shade of blue over and over again? It's pretty damn hard. Just ask my stupid, streaky blue paintings. They'll tell you. Which means of course that I'm going to have to mix the same damn blue again in an even bigger amount, making it even harder to keep consistent tomorrow. Bah! Whose idea was this stupid painting thing anyway? Actually, now that I'm looking at them I've come to the realisation that they're not even the right blue as it is. They're far too dark for my liking. What the hell?! All that effort for nothing?! Crap. Crap, crap, crapping, crap. Must go. Bagel calling me.

Love At the Landromat

Actually there was no love at the laundromat. None at all. I spent a good hour and a half at the scuzziest laundromat I've ever been to this afternoon. Crazy. And not in the 70s retro-scuzz kind of way. Nope. It was of the shabby, 40% of the machines are broken and the whole place smells of...thankfully unidentifiable ick, scuzzy variety. But it was kind of fun I guess. I like the sound of the washers and driers. It's comforting. And the coin slots on all the machines were fucked up so I had to smack them everytime I put a coin in which lent the whole experience a twisted kind of insiders quality. Like the Fonz and his juke box. But less hip. And they don't mind if you sit on the counters which I always enjoy. What's the point of going to the laundromat if you can't sit slouched over a magazine with one leg curled under you, reading a trashy magazine while you laundry launders away? I do have a problem with the non-stop country music though. New country. I mean seriously. Why? Luckily they slipped a lone Johnny Cash in there along with some Garth Brooks who I have a super secret weakness for (now that I've told you, I'll have to kill you). I should open a laundromat. I would paint it pea soup green with crazy lino with fleck of gold in it. And heaps of flouresent lighting. Preferrably of the humming variety. With maybe a token fake wood wall. Because everybody loves that. Gives it that nice rumpus room circa 1972 kind of feel. Not that I would really know having been born in '74. But hey, I watch a whole lot of movies so I'm pretty comfortable with my interpretation of the whole era. And I'd play really off the wall, random music. A little disco here, a little Depeche Mode there. You'd just never know. It'll be sweet. You'll see.

Woo hoo! Yay Me!

I finally made it off the couch and into the gym. Yay! It's so damn hard for me to get there but once I'm through the door it's good. And by good I mean ow. And not in the ow! get down! disco kind of way. I mean in the, oh my god I can't move kind of way. But that's okay. I'm feeling the burn. I don't even know what that means. I think I'm feeling the light headed endorphin rush thing. And now I'm suddenly feeling the hunger. Oh my god I'm hungry. And there's a bagel and some soup in the kitchen with my name on them! Shut up Senor.

Bah!

Holy crap am I just NOT feeling motivated! What's that all about? Who knows. On my way home from work I stopped at the gym (dragged my sorry ass in from the car, so not feeling the love) only to discover that I hadn't brought all of my gym clothes. Aw. Too bad. So I hopped back into my little car (did I detect a slight spring in my step on the way out?) and zipped home to collect the rest of my gym gear. That was about half an hour ago. And here I sit. On my couch, in my gym clothes trying desperately (if one can be truly desperate when this unmotivated) to muster up the energy to cruise on back to the gym. I just don't know what my problem is. Bah!

I Like to Babble. Just in Case You Didn't Notice.

So I went on this roadtrip last month with the Senor and it was good. Who knew? I'd never been on a roadtrip before but I always had a sneaking suspicion that I'd like it. And so I did. But that's not the point. What is the point you might ask? Good question. How about I love northern California? Because I do. California is good. Real good. Lost Boys, David Bowie's Labrynth package and a pint of chocolate fudge Haagen Daaz good as a matter of fact. If you don't know what I mean by that I just don't think I can even explain it to you. Where else can you get a yummy burrito from a van on the side of the road for $2? Okay, probably lots of places but I've never been to them either. And sand dunes! I'll admit I wasn't a big fan of the particular sand dunes we wandered into but I can see how in different circumstances they could be awesome. Full of sandy goodness. And waves. We have no waves like the waves I saw in California. They were very wavey. And wet. It was good. And boardwalks! Okay, we didn't actually go anywhere with boardwalks but I'm watching the Lost Boys right now and the boardwalk thing is looking pretty damn good to me. Maybe boardwalks circa 1987 would be more precise. Who doesn't love the 80s? Oh right. Anyone who was old enough to actually experience it outside of elementary school. Fair enough. And now I'm bored and rambling and my feet are very, very cold so I'm off to have a bath. Again. Have I mentioned that my apartment is cold?

Grrr...

I'm very cranky that I get no comments other than spamminess. Not fun! Unfun! Make with the fun! Hello fun?

Motivation?

I've completely lost all motivation. I don't know where it is but it's definitely not under the bed because I just looked. And then I lost the motivation to look anymore. Ha ha. Un-motivated but still damn funny. It's got to be the overwhelming gray blahness of the weather that's sucking the life out of me. I have a ton of work to do for the college - freelance design stuff for the residences, a questionnaire for the alumni association, a grade summary for my class not to mention everything I need to get done for my grad school applications! Grrrr! And I've just had 3 days off in a row (okay, I had to go in to do a bank deposit one of the days but really that was a 3 hour excursion including travel time) and still I've accomplished nothing! Nothing! Well, yesterday I did a painting. Actually it's 3 little canvases but one painting. I think I might even like it. But I almost didn't finish that either as it was frustrating me a whole lot so I gave up and went off to the coffee shop to do some reading for my grad school stuff which I lost the motivation for after an hour. ONE hour. What the hell?! I was diligently reading and making happy notes for later reference and after an hour I'd only made it through the introduction to the damn book! It's like my brain has turned to mush. I might as well go get me some acrylic nails and frosty highlights right now because there's nothing left for me from an intellectual perspective. And my stomach hurts. Because of the crunches. Because the trainer at my gym is obviously trying to kill me. Alot. I'm only motivated to go to the gym because I'm afraid if I don't show up they'll come looking for me. Scary group. :-) Oh god. Now I have to go have a shower and get ready because today is another big banking day. Why does the shower have to be so far away? Could someone come and drag me over to the bathroom? I think I could manage it from there. No? What kind of friends are you people?!

I Hate November

It's true. November is pretty damn bleak. There's the weather...not so good. Cold and gray and damp. Blah. Blah I say! And Friday is the one year anniversary of Kohsuke and I separating which gives me some mixed feelings I must say. I mean, I'm glad that it's coming to an end finally because there's nothing more annoying than things dragging on long after they're done, but at the same time, I miss having him around. Or maybe not him specifically, but someone. Okay, I'll admit it, he was pretty damn funny. I miss the laughing. The laughing was good. But more than that I miss the feeling of having someone to snuggle up with when I'm feeling blue. Lilo's pretty great in that capacity but she's just so little. And she has disgusting breath. A definite drawback that. :-)

Still Bored

Okay, we're definitely in California now. In the best diner in the universe.




See. Does it get any better than this?




And who doesn't love a giant lumberjack and his big blue ox? Check out the sack on that thing. It's hung!




Look! Wild elk! Cool.

I Am So Bored...B-O-R-D!

Because who doesn't love shark petting?




And here is this beautiful ocean view from our hotel in...somewhere I can't remember the name of. I think it was California. Or it might have been Oregon still. I'm not so good with the remembering.




And here I am with big rocks, mist and a whole lot of cold dampness. It was cool!

Sad Little Tart

And no I'm not talking about me! I was in Tim Horton's today (shut up, they have really good steeped tea!) and there was this trio of tarty tarlets (I'd guess about 14-ish, you don't get to be a real tart until at least 17) in the line ahead of me which really isn't anything out of the ordinary (I do live in Duncan). You know the type, tight low-rise wal-mart brand yoga pants, cropped extra tight hoodie, teeny tiny tank top underneath (I'm still wearing my scarf and I'm inside!) and platform sneakers. Who wears platform sneakers? Where do you even find platform sneakers after 1995? But anyway, I'm hanging out in line feeling vastly over-dressed for the occasion when suddenly tarty tartlet number two turns around and I had to almost bite off my own tongue to stop from laughing outloud. Because I'm not a very nice person. But seriously, this poor little tartlet had more hickeys than I've ever seen on one person, at one time in my entire life. And I've had some seriously tarty friends in my time. I lived in Sayward! I was going to say there were a zillion of them but then I figured it would be better if I had an actual number. So here it is...9. Nine hickeys! Now, I'm not a prude. I'm not. I'm not a turbo slut by any means but I'm not often mistaken for a nun either but I was shocked. Shocked I tell you! Who wanders around with a low-cut tank top and an unzipped hoodie with a zillion icky hickeys? Who?! Try saying icky hickey 10 times fast. I just did and it was fun. So there you go. I love Duncan.

More From the Roadtrip

Yep. It's me. Twice. The girl so nice you had to see twice. Ha ha. Clever too. Why am I single? And some stuff along the coast of Oregon. Have I mentioned that I love Oregon? Because I do.

Next Post!

This post was going to be about men and my apparently irrelevant (or is it invisible?) fabulousness (apparently I'm becoming a tad bitter in my encroaching spinsterhood) but it's just too damn depressing for my liking and bitterness just so doesn't suit me, so I'm going to post some random photos instead.

First is my ridiculously adorable puppy baby Lilo who is evidently mightily suspicious of the bath.

And then a window of random dead things that are apparently considered food in some parts of the world. Such as Chinatown in San Francisco. Next time I will sample the squid-like thing on the right. Mmm. Squid-like.

Grrrr-ad School Hunting Sucks Ass!

Yep. It's true. Grad school hunting really does suck. I mean, the grad schooly-ness and potential swanky job having is all good but the actual hunting with the searching and the applying and the headaches, not so much. I suppose if one had a really clear idea of what one wanted to do with ones life it would be a little less headachy but when it comes to the flighty schizo decision making machine that is me...anybody got an asprin?

I'm looking at programs at UBC, SFU, NSCAD, Concordia (but that one may not work out...I'm not sure if they have a french language requirement or not...McGill does but I'll just have to see), and Goddard (which I really can't afford). I think there was another one but my list is on the other side of the apartment and I'm too damn cold to get up and get it. It's cold in my apartment. Brrr. I don't like the cold. I need a hot tub. Or a tub with jets in it. Jets are nice. I miss my tub in Japan. It didn't have jets but when you got into it the water came up to your neck and it had this swanky reheating feature that made for hours of steamy hot bathing fun. And I mean that in the non-pervo actual bathing way. It was sweet. My bathtub here is shallow and ugly and needs some refinishing but I do dig my floaty rubber duckie stopper thingy. It's yellow. But it doesn't squeak which is a drawback.

But yes, cold. I have this fake fireplace that my landlord bought me because I was whining about the cold with the icicles for fingers and the super chilly nose. Not to mention my poor little toesies. What did they ever do to deserve this kind of treatment!? The building is pretty old (but charismatic in a faux California style kind of way) and the radiators are apparently on some sort of automated system that kicks in just after I leave for work in the morning and again just before I come home. Okay, maybe they also kick in at night a little (like now but I'm still damn cold so they're pretty much dead to me anyway) but whatever. Logic has no place in my world. So yes, faux fireplace. It rocks. I'm looking into getting a fake bear skin rug to put on the floor in front of it. Then my den of loooove will be complete. Oh wait, fake bear skin rug and semi-nekkid man in loin cloth. Can't have one without the other! Which leads me to my next post...

Change is Good?

So I've been hanging out in my head, mulling things over, kicking my thoughts around and I've decided I'm in need of some major life changes. Yep. But the thing is that as my life gets better (because in a lot of respects it is indeed getting better) the areas I'm able (or maybe just willing) to make major changes to are getting smaller and smaller. Or is it lesser and lesser? Whatever. Not so many areas. Can't move far away (as is my natural inclination) because I've now got this career thing on the go with the teaching and the whatnot (not to mention the actually maybe being able to put myself through grad school thanks to the swanky teaching wages). Can't even move not so far away as my teaching is in Nanaimo and my restaurant job is in Victoria where I can't find a place to live with my puppy that I can afford (and still afford grad school). Can't do anything crazy to my hair because I already got it cut this morning and there's really not all that much of it left to work with. Besides, I like my hair. It's shiny and pointy at the ends. Can't redecorate because I'm poor (the really swanky wage thing doesn't kick in until January and all that money is so spoken for already - stupid grad school). Can't get myself a super hot boyfriend to distract me because well, the reasons are far too many and much too pathetic to list here. Piercings are out because of the restaurant. Tattoos are out because of the cost. So really, what's left? I could become a vegetarian. Nah, I'm a carnivore (have you seen my teeth? So obviously for the rending and tearing of flesh). I could learn to ride a motorbike! But somehow I don't think giving me the capability to speed more than I already do is a really good idea. New friends? I like my friends! Grrr. Hobby? Not really a major life change is it? Unless of course it's skydiving or croc wrasslin' or some such thing. So that's where I am. Stuck. Stuck, stuck, stuck. And not precisely happy but not precisely unhappy either. Mostly just waiting for everything to come together so I can move forward with whatever it is that I'm doing. What was that again? And in the meantime, what to do now?

Fucking Nickelback!

Is Nickelback the only canadian band? Seriously? Did some unholy calamity strike and wipe out every single other canadian band in the universe (except of course for Celine Dion, Shania Twain and Brian Adams who make up the evil and obviously undefeatable unholy trinity of canadian superstardom) while I wasn't looking? I know that there is a requirement for canadian content on radio programs and I applaud that quota wholeheartedly but must it be filled almost exclusively by Nickelback and their various clones?! Aaarrgggghhhh! Why do the radio people hate me so? Could we not just have an all Nickelback hour say around 11am and they could get it out of their system while I'm safely at work and then move onto better, less soul numbingly boring music for the rest of the day? Am I even spelling Nickelback right? Do I really care? Leave it to me to ask the big questions people. That's right. The really big questions. If Chad Kreuger choked on his own tongue while recording would the radio people play it? Would anybody really mind?

Stupid Internet!

Sometimes I think that having the internet at home (as I now do because ain't I fancy) is a curse. Just a little bit. You see, before I had the internet at home it was a bit of an ordeal to check my messages. Not an ordeal of crashing on a mountain top and having to eat your friends to survive proportions of course but an ordeal nonetheless. More along the lines of getting takeout fries and then not realising they didn't put ketchup in the bag until you get home and you don't have any there so you have to go out and get some but by the time you do the fries will be cold so you eat them sans ketchup because cold fries are icky and there's no way to reheat them without losing the crispy goodness. You see what I'm saying? Who am I kidding? I don't even see what I'm saying. I've been working on this damn computer too long today. My brain is all mushy and ick. And now I want fries. But anyway, an ordeal. And now it's so handy what with my cute little laptop sitting here on my swanky retro coffee table (it really is both swanky and retro not to mention oddly shaped and I love it) all internetty and whatnot. So I check it all the time. And when I say all the time I mean ALL the time. I'm obsessed. I thought I was obsessed with my cell phone but that's nothing compared to this. And the thing about being obsessed with a communication device of this nature is that it's ultimately a big let down. I mean, before when it was all ordealy and I didn't check all the time I always had a zillion messages in my inbox and it was all exciting and I was feeling the love but now...nope. No way. Sometimes I have zero messages in the inbox. ZERO! And where's the love in that? Nowhere that's where! And it saddens me. I'm crying on the inside. Not on the outside because my eyes are really dry and burny feeling right now and not making with the tears. Stupid computer. The flesh, it burns!

So, in conclusion: home internet, while convenient = bad. Bad I say! Except for when it's good. Which is sometimes. But let's not talk about that now. You know what else is bad? My retarded little dog barking at absolutely nothing for no good reason at all. She's a small dog with a surprisingly loud and annoying bark that just echoes and echoes and makes with the stabbing pains in the ears and then the bleeding. Ouch. Not real bleeding mind you. Metaphorical bleeding which is almost always better than the real kind. Stupid ears.

Halloween

So I bought this mullet wig yesterday. It's sweet. Curly on top, long in the back. I dig it. It's me. But then I was sitting here thinking (as I am prone to do since I live in Duncan and am pretty much bored to death all the time) what do the people with actual mullets think when they see the mullet wigs come out for Halloween? Do they think they're cool? Or is it sad? Do they know that it's funny? I mean, you can buy wigs that look like my hair but that's not funny. That's just cool. Because I have wicked cool hair. It's true. Just ask the senor. He knows. But mullets? They're not cool. Well, I mean they're cool as a costume accessory because you can wear it for awhile and then take it off and go back to your happy hair but real mullet people can't do that. They're pretty much all mullet all the time.

I'm wearing mine to work on Sunday with pretty blue eyeliner and frosty pink lipstick and big fake eyelashes and acrylic nails with pretty blue roses on them and I'm going to be extra pretty and when people ask me what I am I'm going to stare blankly at them and say "what do you mean?" It'll be awesome. I may wear glitter too. Because glitter rocks. Ooo! I need earrings! And bangles. I like bangles. Must find super happy 80s style bangles. Yep. That's where it's at.

I'm also going to wear my sparkly purple devil horns and then when people ask me what I am I'll just say the devil. Or not. But I'm wearing them anyway because they're sparkly and who doesn't like sparkly?

On a side note, I was wearing my mullet around the house last night (did I mention I'm bored pretty much all the time?) and Lilo kept trying to kill it. It was fun. She's a good dog. I didn't even train her to kill the mullet. She was going purely on instinct. Not only does she eat spiders, she kills mullets. She's the best dog ever.

Look! It's San Francisco! Yay!

Hello! Have I ever mentioned that I love San Francisco? Because I do. Indeed. These pictures are a street shot of Chinatown. Chinatown is good. I dig it. Mmm...dim sum. And Tom illustrating just where the taco goes at a lovely little van on the side of the road somewhere in California. At least I think it was California. It's all kind of a blur really. And then me and Kelso von Schnappi the Gyno Dino, our roadtrip mascot. Fabulous little creature I picked up on the ferry. More later...

Hello

I've decided my blog needs more photos. More photos!! I like photos. I also like cake. Which is good because the senor made me a giant rapsberry and white chocolate cheesecake of doom (because it was so yummy) for my birthday! Woo hoo! Bring on the cheese! It was good. How exactly did I go from talk of photos to more talk of my birthday? Effortlessly. That's how. :-) Okay, have to go do more work so I can leave for San Francisco on Wednesday without guilt. Yay! Roadtrip! SO excited!!!! Okay bye!

Retarded with Joy

SO it's my birthday! And I've gone completely retarded with joy. And when I say retarded, I mean really frickin' retarded. I'm so excited I could barf. Just a little. I'm so old! But it's awesome! And the other day at work there was cake and one of the kitchen guys asked me how old I was turning and I told him and he thought I was lying (or maybe he was lying about thinking I was lying just to make me happy but whatever, I'll take it!) and it was this whole long, drawn out thing about how I couldn't possibly be 31 and there was yummy cake munching (he was conversing and I was nodding my head and mumbling and gesturing with my fork while stuffing giant forkfuls of black forest cake into my face) and really it was just one of those perfect magical moments of rightness. And there was a sparkler. Sweet sparkler action. It burned my fingers because even though I am familiar with the concept of hot metal searing flesh being a bad thing I still feel compelled to touch the sparkler. Most likely because it's sparkly. Much the way I used to always try to pet bees because they were fuzzy and then they would sting me and I would cry the cry of the morally outraged. I'm a dork. I blame the extreme birthday retardation. And the disco. And then yesterday after work I went for some frothy lemony birthday bevvies at earls (only 2 because I had to drive home) and it was great. Our waiter was fun and had a super cute faux hawk which is always good. And there were prezzies! It's true. I got a devil girl bobble head and a book about how boys suck and I should throw rocks at them and some flowers and cards and a crown that said birthday slut on it. Who knew my work friends knew me so well?! :-) Yay! And then I came home and went out for yummy chinese dinner with the Senor and then there was beer and free pool. And a little prezzie from the Senors momma. The Momma Senora. Yay again! Did I mention I love birthdays? Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeee! Happy Birthday to me!

Not Much News...

I've been living the quiet life the past little while so I'm afraid I don't have much to report. I've been kind of fighting off the early stages of a cold for the past couple of days so I'm all head achy and icky feeling. Grrr. But I went to my friend's house on Thursday night and he made me yummy homemade chicken soup (sooo yummy! thanks!) and minty tea and brought me rolo ice cream (is there anything better? I think not!) and we watched tv (me snuggled into a warm blanket, whining pretty much continuously) until I devoured a couple of extra strength tylenol cold pills and passed out. It's amazing how those things just knock you right out. Sweet. I really hate being sick and that particular day was awful with the fuzzy, spinny head and the coughing and the sniffing. Not to mention the sore throat. But I got to sleep in the next morning and lounge around quite a bit and have a nice hot bath in the uber tub with jets and whatnot so I'm not feeling nearly as bad now.

Last night I went to another friend's house for some chinese takeout and pool playing. It was good. I liked it. Pool is good. And so is chinese food. Gripping story isn't it? I tell you, it's just a fast paced and exciting life that I lead. I wore my new sparkly shoes that rock. I love my new sparkly shoes. I've also developed this thing for playing pool. I blame the Senor. It's just so fun! Who knew? I mean, I'm terrible at it but I love it anyway. What's that about? I even like watching other people play. It's like an addiction. I should go play some pool right now.

And my birthday is in 3 days!!!! THREE DAYS! I'm so excited! This stupid 22 year old girl at work said she hates her birthday the other day because she doesn't want to get older. Bah! Bah I say! Birthdays rock! Bring on the prezzies and the birthday bevvies! Speaking of which, on Monday I'm going to go for a lemony frothy yum beverage at Earls with people from work and then I'm going to go back to Duncan for a lovely birthday dinner with the Senor (I know it will be lovely because it's my birthday!) and then there will be birthday cocktails and birthday pool. I hope. And then on Friday it's my birthday party!!! Par-tay! Oh my god. What is wrong with me? I'm just so damn excited. I need to breathe.

Lalalalalalalala! Birthdaybirthdaybirthdaybirthdaybirthday! Birthday! Okay bye.

Aaarrrrrrggggghhhh!

What is with guys?! Seriously? I mean, what is it about men that makes them think that everybody in the world wants to hear every little thing they've got on their minds about girls at any given time? Because really, I don't give a shit. I mean, it's different if you have a guy friend who likes someone and wants to talk about it. Great. Woo hoo! Sounds good. Or if you're at the bar and you're having some drinks and you're all just oogling the crowd in general. Again with the woo hoo. But why, why, why do guys feel compelled to talk about the chicks they work with with other chicks that they work with? Why? Do we all need to know everything that's going on in their little pea brains at all times? Okay, maybe the pea-brain thing is a little harsh. Whatever. I'm just annoyed. So here's a little tip for any guys who may be reading this...shut up! We don't care! OKay that my rant for today. (Birthday coming...must find my happy place).

Nice Weather We're Having

I'm all about the fog. I don't know what it is, but I like it. It makes me feel all mysterious or something. Yeah, I'm a freak. We all know this. But really, I love the beginning of the fall when the air gets all crisp and it starts to get darker in the evenings and stays dark longer in the mornings. I like the feeling of driving to work in the dark or near dark. And I really like being at work when it's dark outside, knowing that it's daytime but having it look like dusk. This morning was great because when I got to work it was still dark and quite cold outside (I don't like the cold so much though) and then as it got later and lighter the fog rolled in (okay, it wasn't a true rolling fog but whatever, it was fog and it got there somehow so I'll just call it rolling because I like it) and it was exciting. It made me feel all Halloweeny. And I love Halloween. So yeah. Fog = good. What am I going to be for Halloween? Crap. Must get on that. But not until after my birthday. Did I mention it's only 5 days until my birthday?! :-)

I Hate Being Single

Okay, not all the time. Sometimes it's great. Like when you're at the bar with hot Tibetans hitting on you. That's not so bad. But it's not exactly great either because unless you want to go home with said hot Tibetans (who happen to also be man-whores I'm pretty sure) it doesn't really get you any lasting joy. Of course going home with them might not bring much lasting joy either now that I think about it. More like fleeting joy. I'm going to stop right there. Maybe I just hate being single today. I don't know. I can't make up my mind. Big surprise there. I like being alone an awful lot but sometimes I really miss having a guy around to make with the snuggling and the hair petting when I've had a bad day. Or even just when I'm feeling all sad and worn around the edges. You know what I mean? Sometimes it's hard just to keep your head above water and a good snuggle (and a non-fat chai latte from Starbucks - I have very specific needs okay?!) can go a helluva long way toward fixing whatever it is that's dragging you down. Now don't get me wrong, I have my Lilo and that's all good. She's a stellar snuggler. But it's just not the same. So yes, today I hate being single. With a fiery vengeance.

Whatever. That's why god invented girly movies and big poofy blankets. To distract and give the illusion of snuggles simultaneously. I'm a big fan. And my apartment is really cold right now so it's practical as well.

Did I mention that my birthday is in 8 days now? Because it is. I envision spending the evening with my blanket boyfriend and a cake. Preferably chocolate. Wait, fuck spending the evening, I have that day off! I'm spending the whole damn day! It's an exciting and glamourous life I lead. With the fast pace and the whatnot. :-)

I Know, I Suck. But I Don't Care!

I know it's sad but I actually like filling out these things but I know that I'm pretty much the only one I know who does so instead of emailing them to everybody I just post it here so whoever wants to read it can. It's a win win situation really. So here it is...



-:*~ P e r s o n a l ~-*
1) Single or Taken: So very single.
2) Sex: Occasionally, but not as often as I'd like. Haha. Female.
3) Birthday: October 4th (so so soon!!!!).
4) Sign: Libra.
5) Shoe Size: 9-ish
6) Height: 5'6
7) Initials: ABM. Yes, I know.

*~Re l a t i o n s h i p s~*
1) Who is your best or close friends: The Senor, Marla, Virve.
2) Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: Nope. Not unless you count the Commander which you really should. But his one downfall is his inability to snuggle or pet my hair when I'm sad. I'm a high maintenance girl.
3) Did you send this to your crush?: The Commander doesn't get the internet.

*;-*F a s h i o n S t u f f *-;-*
1) Where is your favorite place to shop?: I'm an equal opportunity shopper. I like to spead my love around.
2.) Any tattoos or peircings : Indeed. 4 tattoos, a couple of piercings.

*-;-* T h e E x t r a S t u f f *-;-*
1) Do you do drugs: Me? Never. Steadfastly opposed. Just say no and all that.
2) What kind of shampoo do you use: Pantene. Makes my hair all shiny like.
3) What are you most scared of losing: The lottery (it just kills me everytime). My mind. The people I'm close to.
4) What do you wish you had: Money, long dark hair, straight teeth a size 4 bod and a boyfriend to snuggle me and pet my hair when I'm sad. Do you see a trend here? Oh, and a VW Karmenghia. And my masters degree so I wouldn't have to be so stressed out about the whole thing now.
5) Who is the last person that called you: the Senor I think.
6) Who was the last person you called? the Senor.
7) Where do you want to get married: Johnny (Depp of course) can pick the place, I'll just show up. Or a wedding chapel in Vegas. I'd love to be married by Elvii. I mean, why have one Elvis when you can have a whole pack of Elvii?
8) If you could change anything about yourself what would you change? See #4.

*-;-* Favorites *-;-*
1) Colour: Red, black, pink (shut up) and that weird celery type green.
2) Soft Drink: Diet Coke. Or Tahiti Treat but they don't make that anymore.
3) Drink (in general): Water, tea, beer. Oh and that frothy lemony yum drink at Earls. Yum!
4) Subjects in school: Drama, writing, english and art. I'm such a dork.
5) Animal (s): Lilo. And tigers. Grrrrowl.
6) Game (s): Spin the bottle. Ha ha. Cranium actually. Because I'm a dork.

H a v e Y o u E v e r...?
1) Given anyone a bath: I'm 30. Of course.
2) Flown out of the country: Yep.
3) Broken the law: Um, perhaps...
4) Made your self throw up: Only when drunk. It helps if you're feeling dizzy and yucky and you throw up because then you feel better and can drink more. But not since university.
5) Gone skinny dipping: Yep.
6) Cried to get ur self outta trouble: Nooo...crying seems to get me into more trouble rather than out of it.
7) Have u ever kissed anyone not related to u: Again with the, I'm 30. But I'm also from Duncan so I guess it's a reasonable question. Ha. Yes.

Q u e s t i o n s
1) Do you like filling these out? Yes!
2) Last film you saw at the cinema: My fiancees' latest film, the Transporter 2. He's hot.
3) What is the last film you rented out? Crap. I can't remember. I rented 2 movies yesterday but I can't remember what they are because I haven't watched them yet. But the other day I rented A Fond Kiss (great movie) and My Life Without Me (maybe my new favourite movie).
4) What did you have for breakfast this morning: Blueberry bagel.
6) Who would you HATE being stuck in a room with ? I'm going to pass on this particular question as my list is getting to be quite long.
5) What is your name? Bob. What the hell kind of question is this anyway. If you're reading my blog you probably know my name. It's Gertrude.
6) Your nickname(s)? As far as I can tell most people call me Bitch. I assume it's a term of endearment. My mom calls me Angie Mouse. My bastard ex called me Nezumi (japanese for mouse). Which is funny because I'm not at all mouse like. Although I do like cheese. I don't think I have any other nicknames. Not that I can think of anyway. Maybe I should work on that.

Lalalala Birthdays are Fun!

So it's 2 weeks to my birthday now. Am rapidly becoming obsessed with the impending birthday action. Yay! Birthday! But I'm kind of bummed because most of the people I love to itty bitty bits live so far away that they won't be able to be here. Which is sad. And I'm gripped by indecision about the potential birthday festivities. I'm thinking I may well stay home with my dog and hide under the bed with my heaps of fabulous prezzies (there will be heaps of prezzies even if I have to buy them myself) and a bottle of wine. Twist off cap of course. And extra long twisty straw. The bottle of wine with the corkscrew sticking out of it is still on top of my fridge. Not for any lack of trying on my part. Sadly. :-)

Happy Birthday to ME, Happy Birthday to ME, Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEE. Happy Birthday to ME!

I'm sorry. I just can't help it. I love birthdays.

Stupid Birthday Lists!

So I'm trying to come up with a list of stuff I want for my birthday and it's frickin' hard. I don't know! Dammit. I mean obviously I want all kinds of stuff (because who doesn't really?) but I hate trying to narrow it down to stuff that people can actually find and afford. I mean, I can't very well say "that thing that I saw in the window of that store that time" can I? And that's pretty much how I organise things in my mind. There's that sweater at Mango that I love. Which sweater? You know, that black sweater with the sleeves (they're cool sleeves). And that hoodie at the market with the design on it. And the necklace with the sparklies. I know what I'm talking about (barely) but who the hell else would? Grrr. So that leaves the boring stuff. DVDs - which is really what people buy for you when they don't know you well enough to know what else you would like, which I'm not knocking because sometimes it's the perfect choice (god knows I love dvds) but in a birthday list you list exactly which dvds and that takes all the guesswork out of it entirely. Which I guess is the point. Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit.

Holy Crap and Oh My God

If I were to have a birthday party, where would I have it?! I mean, my friends are all over the place and I live in Duncan which sucks ass. So I obviously can't have it in Duncan because everybody would have to drive home because I have one couch and very hard wood floors so there'd be nowhere to sleep and then no one would drink and then it wouldn't be a crazy birthday at all! But if I have it in Victoria then my Nanaimo and Vancouver friends (I have no Duncan friends) wouldn't have anywhere to stay and that would suck because I love my Nanaimo and Vancouver friends. But if I have it in Nanaimo then my Victoria friends probably wouldn't come because it's Nanaimo. And nobody likes Nanaimo. Except me. Because apparently I'm sick. And demented. Crap. I'm so confused. Okay, I have to go think about this. Mull it over. Mull. Mulling. Mullet. Fun!

http://www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com/

Birthday!!!!

I'm having a super excited moment. Seriously, I'm all aflutter! It's going to be my birthday in 15 days!!! That's so totally almost 2 weeks! And that's no time at all! Ack! Birthday!!!! I love birthdays. Love em. Sweet birthday action. Nyaaah! Why I am so retarded you ask? Shut up I say! It's almost my birthday! :-) Maybe I'll have a party. For myself. Which is kind of sad if you dwell on it, so let's not. Lalalalalalala! It's my birthday! And I'll be 108. Okay, not quite but close. I'll be 31 this year. But it's okay because I got i.d.ed at the liquor store the 2 times I went. It was sweet. Not as sweet as my birthday but close. :-) Oh crap. I have to stop writing now so I can make my birthday list and plan my party. Which may end up being me and my dog sitting on the couch eating cake but whatever. We'll be wearing party hats. There'll be photos. It'll be sweet. Because it's my birthday!!!!!

Oh So Sad

Well, I've finally hit the Bridget Jones stage of life. Yep. Writing in my diary, drinking alone on the sofa, waiting for my dog to devour my lifeless body. Speaking of which, at least I have my doglet. She would never eat me. Well, maybe my face. But that's it! I'm sure of it. It's kind of funny that I made to 30 without ever really being single. Crazy. Isn't it supposed to be the other way round? Aren't you supposed to be single and crazy until you're in your 30s and then you settle down? Crap. I wish someone had told me this before. I've gone and done it all backwards. Whatever. It was kind of fun. In a sad, pathetic singleton kind of way. I rented a plethora of girly movies (Bridget Jones, Love Actually, Loser, etc) sat myself down with a bottle of wine and some snacks and off I went. Of course I had to scrap the wine plan for vodka and cranberry (because apparently I can't open a bottle of wine by myself - the lovely bottle currently sitting on top of my fridge with the corkscrew still protruding from it's very snug and cozy cork can attest to that little tidbit) but it was good nonetheless. Well, except for the fact that I only managed 2 drinks before I was overcome by the desire to go to bed. I suck. I ended up staying up until about 3:30am reading Harry Potter. Bridget would be sorely disappointed in my performance. What can I say? I'm just going to have to hone my solo drinking skills. I'm still stuck in that outdated, judgemental frame of mind that says drinking alone is too sad for words and I'd be better off dragging my sorry ass down to the phoenix. No, wait. I've just had an update from my inner judge who has ruled that that also is unacceptable. Anyone having seen the phoenix would probably be forced to agree. The good news is that this evening I will be enjoying the company of actual people. I'll keep you posted (get it? posted? so punny) on how it all turns out.

Kisses,
me.

Oh Yeah Baby...

Just to keep you all up to date and in the loop, I feel compelled to share with you the fact that I am a calming influence and radiate light. Yep. Which could come in handy if you think about it. I mean, you could take me camping and I'd never need replacement batteries. Or, having trouble finding the keyhole in the dark? No problem! Just give me a call and I'll be right over with my light radiating self. Oh yeah. Have I mentioned that I'm still a big ol' freak magnet? Because evidently I am. A calming, radiating freak magnet. With a nice rack. These are all things I was told today. Groovy.

Ooo Road Trip...

So I'm planning a road trip. I like road trips. In theory. I've never actually been on a road trip of any length (well not since Clint and I drove around in a VW van for a month but that doesn't count for obvious - and not so obvious reasons) but I'm pretty sure I'd like it. It's true. Because I like roads. And I like trips. So there you go. Road trip! Woo hoo! And I also like driving. And there will be driving. Much driving. And taking ridiculous photos. Because god knows there's nothing better than gratuitous ridiculous photo taking. But I'm not going to say anything else because I might jinx it and that's just no good. Nope. None.

But I will say that my digital camera is broken and it makes me sad. I don't mind sharing that because I'm hoping I'll jinx it. As a matter of fact, let's talk about it some more. Bah. Somehow I don't think the jinxing works that way. Wouldn't it be great if it did though? Sweeet.

My dog is really cute. That had nothing to do with the jinxing conversation. She's just really cute right now and it needed saying.

And I'm thinking of moving. But I'm not 100% sure where. It's looking like Nanaimo but I have to admit that that makes me a little nervous. Okay, more than a little. Nanaimo has not traditionally been a really great place for me. Don't get me wrong, I've had some good times there and I've met some great people (actually, most of the best people I know I met in Nanaimo) but I've also had some really awful times and met some really ridiculously not cool people. I think I'd much rather be moving to New York (hello Virve!) or London (hello Shae!) or Montreal (hello Marya!) or...somewhere...but given the circumstance (good job, cheap rent, getting on with grad school) it's looking like Nanaimo makes the most sense right now. Grrrr I say! So really, what should happen is that everybody I know should move to Nanaimo right now. RIGHT NOW I said! Where are you? Whatever. Don't defy me. You just have no idea who you're dealing with.

Did I mention that I also like tea. Mmm...yum.

I wonder if I couuld apply for grad school in Montreal or Toronto or somewhere and then still teach my online courses for Malaspina. I wonder if that would work. I'll have to look into that. Because that might be cool. Where else is good in Canada? Because I have to stay in Canada for the grad school because I'm poor. And being poor sucks ass. Any ideas would be much appreciated.

I love Sex and the City. I don't know what it is but it's good. But Miranda scares me. She has those crazy teeth and they freak me out. She would bite your face in a heartbeat. Which is kind of strange when you think about it. Not the face biting but me being afraid of the crazy teeth. Because I kind of have crazy teeth myself. But maybe not face biting crazy teeth. Well, I might bite youre face but it wouldn't be like a whole ground beef kind of deal. With the gnashing and the whatnot. Whatever. She has scary teeth.

And it's my birthday in 20 days. And today is almost over so then it'll be 19 days which is almost 2 weeks. I'm very excited. Kind of. Because I really like birthdays. And not just my birthday. I like all birthdays. Birthdays are fun, what with the celebrating and the prezzies and the friends and the whatnot. I'm thinking I'd really love it if all of my lovely friends could be here. Which I know they can't but it's all about the wishful thinking. I miss my friends.

And it's kind of ironic...here I have all of these great, interesting, fabulous friends and it's the very things that make them so damn interesting and fabulous that keep us from being in the same place for any amount of time. There's Virve, living the life in New York (swank new job, swank apartment, cool hair, loads of interesting men, travelling the world, so jealous!!!), Shae, jet setting around the globe (she's living the posh life in London, she's visiting family in New Zealand, she's shopping the markets in Turkey, she's karaoke-ing till she drops in Tokyo, she's climbing the Great Wall in China, she's kissing my ass that dumb biatch!!), Marla being all smart and published like (studying the psychology, making the films, doing the art therapy with convicts - do I even KNOW people this good?), Tom who's been EVERYWHERE, who's both spontaneous and responsible (what with the travelling - spontaneous - and the career building and house buying - responsible - not to mention the renovating and building stuff all over the place - so cool). Do you see my point? What the hell?!

Anyway, that's enough of that. I'm obviously going to have to move somewhere fabulous. Yep. It's my only recourse. I've always wanted to go to Ireland. Maybe I could move there. Nice scenery, good beer, cute accents. WOo hoo! I'm outta here! :-)

Look It's Me!

So this is what I do all day at work. I take pictures of myself with my cell phone. What better way to pass the time? Actually I usually take pictures of Lee and Ross much to their annoyance but today I decided to branch out. So here it is. Woo frickin hoo. And a little yeow(!) on the side.

Survey Thingy. Because I Can.

1. What time did you get up? 7:30-ish am. I'm stoked because it wasn't 5.

2. If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be? I think it would be my friend Marla. Or Tom. But I actually do eat lunch with Tom sometimes so maybe I should go with Marla because I never get to eat lunch with her because she sucks. What with the living in Vancouver and whatnot. Ooo...or Beerbah! Beeeeerbaaaaaaaaah! I miss you guys. Or Shae! But if it were Shae we wouldn't eat lunch so much as drink it. And then there would be much yelling and throwing of ice and general pandemonium. I like pandemonium. I wish I could spell it though.

3. Gold or silver? White gold. That way you don't have the dilemma. It's got the shiny silverness of silver but the swankiness of gold. It's the perfect precious metal. Unless of course you want to talk about platinum. And who doesn't want to talk about platinum!?

4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I think it was the 40 Year Old Virgin which made me laugh. Alot. No wait! It was Red Eye. Which made me so scared I actually squeaked a little. While hiding behind my hands. Which made the girls behind me laugh. Alot. Bitches.

5. What is your favorite TV show? I don't have a tv but when I did I watched the OC and Desperate Housewives alot. But I think my all time favourite is Sex and the City. Or MASH. I love Alan Alda.

6. What do you have for breakfast? Ooo! Today is such a good day for this question! Super yummy breakfast burrito from the Pioneer House! Woo hoo!

7. Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with? Anybody who wants me to bring them food or coffee or a new fork or some extra napkins or a side of hollandaise. Or one of the teachers I work with at my other job. Grrr.

8. What inspires you? Sunshine. Strong people who know what they want and go after it without squashing people along the way.

9. What is your middle name? Oh god. Why do we always have to talk about it? Brandy. There. Are you happy now?!

10. Beach, city or country? Hands down, beach. It used to be a toss up with the city but I'm all about the beach at the moment.

11. Favorite ice cream? I don't know what it's called. It's some crazy citrusy blend they used to have at the Coombs Old Country Market with the goats on the roof and the whatnot. It had mango and orange and maybe pineapple but I could be adding that one in myself.

12. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn? Popcorn kind of picks my ass now that I think about it. I like the butter and a little salt but I really hate the way bits get stuck in your teeth for hours afterward so you're walking around making these ridiculous faces while trying to poke it out with your tongue. Or maybe that's just me.

13. Favorite color? Maybe pink at the moment. I'm still fond of black and red but I'm feeling pretty girly these days.

14. What kind of car do you drive? I drive my sweet little Aveo 5. It's red and it goes.

15. What is your favorite sandwich? Sesame bagel with cheese, cucumber and sprouts. Yum!

16. What characteristic do you despise? Sickly sweet fake niceness (embrace your inner bitch!), dishonesty, arrogance and cruelty.

17. Favorite flower? Sunflower or daisies of the gerber variety or otherwise. I love all flowers really but those are just so forcefully cheerful. Are there any happier flowers than these? Ooo, poppies are good too.

18. If you could go anywhere in the world on a vacation, where would it be? New York to visit the Beerbah. Or if we take friends out of the equation then Italy. To visit the art. Or maybe Paris.

19. What colour is your bath robe? No robe.

20. Favorite brand of clothing? Don't really have one. There's a t-shirt designer in Cowichan Bay that I love, does that count? I'm wearing one of her shirts right now. It has really cool butterflies on it. I like butterflies. I'm such a dork.

21. Favorite day of the week? For work, Sunday. Because it's busy and goes by quickly but in general I'm fond of Wednesday or Thursday. No particular reason why.

22. What did you do for your last birthday? Had a little partay at the bar downstairs with some friends and then went to FujiQ Highlands Park the next day. It rained. Most of the rides were closed and I was really wigged out the whole time by the weird vibes. Not a stellar birthday to be honest. But the thought was nice.

23. Where were you born? Drunken Duncan, City of Totems. Vancouver Island, BC, Canada for those of you not familiar with the non-stop party that is Duncan.

24. Favorite sport to watch? The kind that is over in 10 minutes so I go back to watching something I actually like? Do they have one of those? Ha ha. I'm a good canadian girl. Hockey of course. Or rugby. Rugby is fun.

25. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? All of the people I didn't send it to.

26. Person you expect to send it back first? Johnny Depp. He's really very attentive. I've told him to back off a little, I need some space but he's just crazy about me. He can't help it. It's the sex vibe I send out. It's really not his fault.


Part II

1. WHAT IS YOUR NAME? Angela Brandy Tomizu (for now)

2. WHAT COLOUR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? No pants. Black skirt. As usual.

3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? What Not to Wear. It's on in the other room. And Lilo killing her squeaky football thingy.

4. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? Spent some quality time with my friend the Senor, drinking beer, playing pool and bonding with crack monkeys. It was great!

5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Oh. Why did I have to fill this out today!? I had A&W for dinner. Mozza burger. Yum!

6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? The black with silver sparkles. I saw it. It does exist. Or magenta. Depends on my mood.

7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? It was awesome today. Good thing I fell asleep on the floor in front of my computer instead of going outside like I'd planned. Right now it's just getting cooler as the sun goes down.

8. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Tom.

9. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? Depends which way they're facing. Different things in different situations I guess. Probably height. If I'm looking then I note the build, the eyes and the smile. Hands are also key. But in some situations it's the voice. A good voice goes a long way.

10. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS? Yes. She's funny. Funny is good.

11. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I'm a little hung over actually. But other than that I'm pretty good. A little stressed about some teaching stuff that's coming up but all in all I'm pretty damn happy these days.

12. FAVOURITE DRINK? I'm so boring. Water. Then chai latte from Starbucks. Diet coke is also a good thing.

13. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? I am partial to beer. Beer is good. But I also like martinis at Acme. They're a whole lotta yum.

14. FAVOURITE SPORTS? Tonsil hockey? Or do you want a real sport? To do would have to be running. But I hope to learn to snowboard this year and I anticipate liking it alot. To watch...hockey of course.

15. HAIR COLOUR? Reddish at the moment.

16. EYE COLOUR? Hazel with a strong tendency toward green.

17. SUNRISE OR SUNSET? Sunrise. It's great. And since I get up at 5am I actually get to see it. Sunset is nice too but sunrise just feels so energizing.

18. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES? None really. A couple of steps here and there.

19. FAVOURITE MONTH? October, December and July.

20. FAVOURITE FOOD? Sushi!!!!

21. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Red Eye I think. But I'm going to watch some girly movie with Ashton Kutcher in a few minutes. I can't remember what it's called.

22. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE WEEK? This is so redundant! It's still Wednesday or Thursday.

24. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Yep. Shut up. It's true.

25. FAVOURITE SONG? No. No favourite song. But I'm all over the Jack Johnson album at the moment. I really like the one about banana pancakes. Which means nothing to anyone who hasn't already heard it. I am also awfully fond of that one song on the new Weezer. I have no idea what it's called either. I think it's track 3. Or maybe 5.

26. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer. I like the sunshine.

27. HUGS OR KISSES? Both! Who would ever want to choose?!

28. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STAND? I'd like to say one night stand but sadly relationships. I'm a fan.

29. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Chocolate.

30. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK? Um, no. Because I'm not actually sending it to any of them.


Where are questions 31 and 32? What happened to them? My favourite cheesy celebrity is a tie between that actor with the really fake orange tan (George something maybe) and that woman who had so much plastic surgery she looks like a cat. I'm also partial to Anna Nicole Smith and Paris Hilton because who doesn't love really stupid girls? Add Jessica Simpson to the list.


33. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? Me, my dog and Mr.Bear. In an apartment that is way too big in a town that is way too small.

34. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Just finished Hitching Rides with Buddha by Will somebody or other. It was fantastic!

35. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Mouse pads are so 1995.

36. FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? Still Cranium. But I haven't played it in months. Months I tell you! This is because I don't have 3 friends to play it with me. And Lilo just tries to eat the play-doh stuff. It's sad.

37. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE? What am I a circus freak? No. I have a small tongue. Shut up.

40. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY? I don't like this question. Maybe sometimes. Not all the time and maybe not this year in particular but overall, yes. I have a lot of good things in my life so I guess that would make me lucky. Not like lottery winning lucky but not too bad either.

And Another Thing...

Can you think of anything more annoying than a half-assed hangover? Okay, maybe a full on head splitting, barf inducing hangover may be not such a good thing but honestly, bring it on! At least then you can feel justified in laying about moaning and popping pain killers and whatnot. Seriously. Incapacitate me or move on already! I have no headache. I have no nausea. But I'm all freaky and sketchy. Dizzy-ish and blah and unfocused. It's just annoying. And on top of all that I'm having a really good hair day. A great hair day you might say. Which is obviously not a good thing because yesterday, after weeks of lumpy, frizzy, pilgrim style hair fiascos I caved and made an appointment with my hair dresser of the magical fingers (oh the joys of the head massage) for 4 o'clock this afternoon. Which terrifies me. Well maybe not terrifies. It's not spiders for crying out loud. But it does make me nervous. You'd think that a girl who used to cut her own hair for years (usually drunk in someone elses bathroom and that one time out on the porch) wouldn't be fazed by this sort of thing but succumbing to the will of another womans scissors is just not an easy thing. What if she's crazy? What if I go in and say, "okay, maximize my cuteness woman!" and she thinks to herself, "gee, mushrooms are cute...why don't I make this girl look like one? What's cuter than a mushroom?" It could happen. Or what if she's been having a really bad week and she just snaps! Doesn't give a rats ass anymore. What then? And even if she's having a great day and all goes swimmingly what am I going to get her to do to my hair? Should I continue on with my current hairstyle or do I need something exciting and new? The sleek inverted bob or the crazy flippy thing? I just don't know. I'm awash in a sea of confusion.

What the Hell?

So here's my question for you...do people become dickheads because they drive big trucks or do they drive big trucks because they're dickheads? Just wondering. Because living in Duncan (a hotbed of both dickheads and big trucks) I'm getting pretty damn fed up with the attitude. My favourite thing is when I'm driving to work in my little red car in the dark (because I have to get up at frickin 5am) and some asshole in a big truck tailgates me with their big, giant headlights (I guess we do have something in common because I have big headlights too - haha - headlights = boobs, get it? I'm funny) burning my poor delicate retinas even though there is obviously nowhere for me to go what with the huge frickin line of slow ass cars inching their way along the Malahat directly ahead of me! What's up with that?! Why do these people want me to kill them? Oh right, because they're dickheads. And then today on my way back from my delicious breakfast of yumminess (this is a 10 minute drive I'm talking about) I got frickin' cut off THREE times by three different dickheads in three different big, stupid, ass-munching, obviously over-compensating for something trucks! Grrrr!

I Love Stuff Too Sometimes...

Okay, that was too much hate all in one post even for me so let me take another moment (my ass is numb anyway) to tell you a little something about a place I love. A magical place called Youbou. It's pronounced you-bo (like me and YOU and damn BO duke is hot! - I also love the Dukes of Hazzard by the way) which I now know for sure thanks to my extra swank friend who asked some guy in the mens washroom (after a few beers) just how to pronounce it. Good job senor. I personally prefer my way of saying it which is more like yeow-bow. As in YEOW-BOW. That's pretty much all I've got. But if you say really loudly and emphatically it's pretty sweet. Try it out. You'll like it. If I'd had a few more beers I might've tried to convert some Youbounians to my way of thinking but sadly it just wasn't to be. That time anyway. So yeah. I love Youbou which as far as I can remember consists of 2 liquor stores, a canadian flag bear, a portable tent (as opposed to all of those permanent tents - I'm such a knob) with a sign that said "we sell ice here" and a pub which was obviously my favourite part.

The pub was great. They played AC-DC. A lot. And at one point a middle aged woman got up and yelled, "Who won the roast? Was it you?! You? It was you?! You don't even live here! You're not a resident!" Luckily the roast winner quickly explained that she did live there now and would love to have everybody over for dinner to eat the roast before someone got hurt. It was a touching scene. Brought a tear to my eye. Who won the roast indeed. It was also fabulous because they had Keith's beer on tap. And god knows I love a cold pint of Keiths. And then we played pool on a table that was so close to the wall that it was awesome. I don't know anything about angles or whatnot but sometimes the stick thingy had to point almost straight up into the air because the wall was right there. It was cool. I won. And then I won again. And then I lost. And then I lost again. And then I won. But then I lost again. And again. But in between the winning and the losing and the whatnot I hopped up and down alot (when I didn't make the shot) and clapped my hands and did a little dance alot (when I did make the shot) and occasionally pretended my stick thingy was a microphone. All in all it was a good night. Unfortunately I have no pictures to illustrate my good night because I forgot my camera and SOMEONE didn't take any. Grrr. Whatever. I still have my memories.

Ooo, and then we stopped on the side of the road so I could look at the stars because it was the middle of nowhere and the stars are always better in the middle of nowhere. It was sweet. So there you are. I'm not completely filled with hate. I'm filled with hate and happy memories of Youbou (yeow-bow).

So Full of Hate...

It's true (I say that alot) but it seems that today (and everyday for the last week with the exception of a lovely evening spent in Youbou) I've been filled to the brim with hot, steaming hate. So I've decided to compile a list of the things I hate this week in hope of not being so damn full of hate anymore. Like lancing a boil. Which I've never actually done but I hear it's quite a relieving kind of thing. We'll see.

Things That I Hate:

Girls with so much makeup on that it looks like a mask (orangey line around the base of the face and that weird textur-y thing that makes their faces look like they're covered in some kind of really thin crepe paper - ick).

Men who look obsessively at your boobs while talking.

Stinky old men who call me honey (as in "bring me some more coffee honey" - are they insane? can they not sense the impending ass kicking?).

Big stupid ass-muppets who make really ridiculously stupid jokes/comments non-stop all day on one of the busiest workdays ever and then get pissy when I don't laugh (and then ask them to please not talk to me for the rest of the day because I'm too tired to pretend to care).

Pedestrians (when I'm driving).

Drivers (when I'm pedestrianing :-)).

My hair (it's doing this weird flippy thing on one side and hanging completely flat on the other and then there's a nice layer of frizz on top - it's hot).

People at work who stand around talking shit while everybody around them is running around like crazy people trying to just get to the point where we're not praying for the hot water tap thingy to fall over, scalding them just enough so that they have to flee the building immediately leaving their tables to wallow in their own annoyingness.

Customers who can't seem to find a single thing they actually want on the menu and so decide to make up their own damn meal like so..."I don't see what I want here so I'm just going to tell you and you can figure it out okay? Okay, so I want a cheeseburger but I also want bacon, but no mushrooms and no tomato or onion but I do want lettuce and no pickles but mayo only on the side and no relish and no hot dogs or anything like that and ketchup. And I'd like a holladaise sauce on the side. Can you do that?"

Customers who don't even read the menu at all and act surprised that we actually have a meal that is exactly what they want. "Okay, I want 2 eggs, wheat toast (I also hate people who call brown or whole wheat toast "wheat toast" all toast has wheat people, stop being so lazy and just say whole wheat for the love of god) bakon, and hash browns." Me: "Sure, so the bakon and eggs platter then?" Assmonkey: "Oh, you have bakon and eggs? Do I get hashbrowns and toast with that?" Me: "No, not really. I'm just fucking with you. We're actually the only breakfast restaurant in the universe that doesn't have a bakon and eggs breakfast you moron."

People who look at me carrying the tray laden with a million frickin' glasses of water going to the table next to them and say "Do you think I could get that coffee now?" to which I reply, "Sure, you bet. I'll just pluck the pot right out of my ass with my super secret (but handy) third arm and get that right to you, you dumbfuck."

The old guy yesterday who said, "I'd like a coffee, an apple juice and a water, do you think you can handle that?" To which I actually did say, "I don't know, I'm actually not very smart but I'll give it a shot."

People who respond to "how are you today?" with "coffee."

Falling asleep while I'm driving. I am indeed half asleep while driving home alarmingly often and the other day I did actually fall asleep briefly and woke up only when my car drifted over one of those reflector thingys on the side of the road (right beside the concrete barrier separating one side of the highway from the other). It was great.

Duncan. Enough said about that one.

Skinny bitches. I know. I'm old and bitter and whatnot but hey, I'm at one with that.

My ass (and all the other fat bits attached to it). That sort of goes with the previous one but I didn't want you to think my hate is all outwardly focussed. Does focussed really have 2 "s"es? I don't think it really does. I hate not being able to spell anymore. I used to be able to spell. It was either all those drugs I did in the 90s or living in Japan that destroyed my spelling abilities. Now I'll never be a child-prodigy spelling bee champ. Damn. Hopes and dreams dashed again. I also hate that.

Well, I think I may have run out of things to hate for the time being. Either that or I'm just really tired of sitting on the floor of my parent's spare room (I hate not having the internet at my place) so now I'm going to go home where I will proceed to lay on the floor praying for death so I don't have to get up a 5 o'clock in the fucking morning to go to work tomorrow where I will be faced with dozens upon dozens of the aforementioned things that I hate all over again. Bah!