Lost in Translation

I just finished watching Lost in Translation for probably the zillionth time and I'm feeling really homesick. Well not homesick so much as Tokyosick. Because it's not really my home anymore. I guess it never really was. It just felt that way. I like Lost in Translation because it reminds simultaneously of what I miss about Tokyo and why I was really relieved to be leaving it all behind when I came back to BC. Today however my mood seems to be leaning more toward the what I miss about Tokyo side of things. Most of all I think I miss the feeling of being free. It sounds cheesy I know (and I ought to know because I am the queen of cheese) but being somewhere where you can never be truly a part of the culture and are so blatantly an outsider is a really liberating experience. I mean, it's also a mind-bogglingly frustrating experience at times but overall I don't think I can think of a time and place where I felt more truly free to just be whoever or whatever I wanted to be from moment to moment. I guess it was because it didn't matter what I did, I was always viewed as somewhat of a freak that I felt that I could be as freakish as my heart desired. Not that I've ever really been one for holding myself back regardless of where I am. It was just different. I'm not as good at explaining these things as I would like to be.

I think I also miss my home in Tokyo. It was a crappy little apartment by our standards but it was wholly and completely mine. Especially the last month when Kohsuke had taken his things and gone. Then it became all me. And I loved it. I'm one of those people whose homes become an extension or expression of themselves and this apartment was the first place I'd had that felt like it was really me. There was nothing in it that I didn't love. Well, except for the cockroaches. I so didn't love them. But I didn't actually bring them in, they were kind of like party crashers. Bastards. Anyway, I miss that feeling of coming home to a place that is yours (or in this case, mine). There's such a feeling of contentment and relaxation that comes from being in exactly the environment you want to be in. I've never been a big fan of staying at other people's places for any length of time so my current situation is hard. I know, in the grand scheme of things my current problems are pretty insignificant but as much as I tell myself that, I still don't feel it. Logic has no place in my melancholy. For the most part I'm happy to be back here on the island (because it really is my home no matter where else I may go) but this rootless feeling is starting to wear on me. Maybe it's because I'm not actually moving forward. It's not an adventure at the moment, I'm not travelling or learning or whatever, I'm just in a holding pattern. Waiting. For something. I'm not sure what. But I do know that I've got figure it out, and soon.

Part of me wants to just stuff everything into storage, scoop up my little doglet and head for...wherever, but I've always gone with my gut feeling and my gut is telling me to stay put. Stupid gut. I've actually never had that stay put feeling before. It's strange. And off-putting. But I don't argue with the gut. I've learned. The gut always knows. Of course by stay put I mean on the island. Not Duncan. My gut has thankfully stopped telling me to hide under my air mattress and speak to no one and has now decided that Victoria is the place for me to be. It just feels right. I was considering hauling myself to the Yukon or Calgary or somewhere with considerably more design work but again with the gut. Distinct "no" feelings. So here I am. The gut wants roots. And I just want comfort for awhile. I want to know that my fate is in my own hands and that I am responsible for myself and all of my decisions. I think I've catapulted right back into the commitment phobic state of mind. And I like it.

Aarrrgh!

I don't know what's up with me today but crap, I'm in a shitty mood. It's true. It was alright earlier but this afternoon I'm all grrrr. I guess it's mostly just because I'm so bored I could barf. I mean, I do have a life but I have to pace myself because I still have no transportation of my own and I can't be borrowing my parent's car all the time because that's just not cool. So today was this beautiful day and what did I do? I watched tv. I took the dog for a couple of walks but you can only get so far on foot with a weiner dog. It would've been such a great day to head down to Cowichan Bay or somewhere but sadly, no. And I am so sick of tv right now. I've been trying to not watch tv at all during the day and it's amazing how much better I feel but I get sucked in at night. Because I love tv. But it smooshifies my brain. So I hate tv. You see how it is. And I have a wicked headache. Wicked. And it sucks ass! And not in a good way either. Anyway, I just wanted to vent and now I have so maybe I'll go watch some tv. Kidding. It's only 5:30 and I'm trying not to get sucked into the tv until at least 7. We'll see how that goes.

And my dog just bit my face.

Music is Good. Like Cocktails.

I'm in the need of some new music. All of my cds are still in storage so all I've got is what's on my computer and the 539 songs on my fabulous pink iPod. Which might sound like alot but when you average 3 walks a day and a zillion hours of listening while working on the laptop it's just not so much. So I need fresh music (because sometimes you just don't feel fresh and how's that a good thing?). Help me! For the love of God! Give me your recommendations and I will find them and listen to them like the desperate music lover that I am. Please. Pretty please with driving on top (because like I said, driving is the new chocolate). Okay then.

Spring is the New Black

I love spring! It's great! There are blossoms! Blossoms I tell you! I love blossoms. Blossoms are the new black! Sorry. But really, spring is so good. And I love Vancouver Island. It's a love fest in my brain. I'm like a crazed hippie, running around loving everything. I love Victoria. And I love my iPod. It's pink. I love pink. Yes, I said it. I love pink. See. Crazed. I may have to get up tomorrow and promptly hug a tree. Or maybe I'll just think about it as I walk past a tree while listening to my fabulous pink iPod through my ridiculously over-sized headphones. That's more my style. I'm only crazed on the inside. On the outside I still look like someone who kicks puppies. No worries. Speaking of puppies, I love my puppy. She's so cute. She's not the new black but she's close. And what is it about spring that makes me want to drive? Am I insane? Insane-er? It's sunshiney and lovely and today I went for many walks without a jacket (okay, so I still had my scarf and walked with my arms wrapped around myself shivering delicately like the delicate flower that I am but whatever, there was no jacket) and smelled the fresh air and basked (if you can truly consider tilting your face upward whilst partaking of a brisk walk a basking) in the sun and thought to myself, "self, this is such a perfect day. The only thing that could possibly improve this day would be a good long drive." Or possibly sex. But that's not looking likely so a drive it is! Forget chocolate as a sexual substitute. I'm all over the driving. Driving is the new chocolate. Is this wrong? Am I the only one who craves the feeling of tires on the highway, the sun shining above you, the ocean sparkling beside you (because all the best driving is done near the ocean) a good cd on the stereo, the gear shifter in your hand (I was going to stay stick shift but that just seemed dirty and that's so not my point!)? Today was the perfect driving to Tofino day. I so love a good road trip.

Wetting Yourself = Bad.

So I'm in this restaurant having lunch with my mom. We were shopping for cute clothes for the mommy (and by the way, found her a pair of jeans that make her ass look disturbingly hot - I'm traumatised) and then we were hungry so yes, lunch. Anyway, I'm in the bathroom and I'm hanging out, chillin' and there's this little girl and her mom and her mom is going crazy! She's "oh, you're such a good girl, let's go tell nana!" and you'd think the kid was some kind of rocket scientist but no. She went on the potty. Do you remember what it was like to get heaping amounts of compliments and approval for essentially not wetting yourself? That is the life. I mean, I'm so on top of the not wetting yourself (okay, myself actually - well, and yourself really as well). I don't wet myself pretty much everyday. Am I a good girl? Tell me I'm a good girl! I'm thinking of adding that to my resume. It's a skill. It can go right after "brush my own teeth." Okay. I'm done.

The Antihistamine Faery Rocks!

Well, the sweet angel of death is giving me no love but thankfully the antihistamine faery has sprinkled me with her lovely de-watermelonheadifying faery dust and I am feeling almost human again. At least the head isn't all balloon-y anymore and the ears are on the mend. Which is great because as much as I love to hear myself talk I really don't need to hear myself at 4 times the standard volume. Creepy. I had coffee with a friend yesterday and I noticed she kept having to lean forward to hear me but in my head it was so loud it almost made my ears bleed. It's true. Would I lie to you? I must go now as I just saw the doglet run by with one of my sneakers in her mouth. Crap.

Sweet Angel of Death

I'm sick. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate being sick? Because I do. It's true. Not that there are very many people who love being sick. I mean there might be but I don't know them and probably that's for the best because they'd have to be sick and twisted individuals really. Come to think of it, maybe it's a little strange that I haven't come across any of them...yeah. Anyway, I'm sick. Not like ugly, snotty, sneezing sick but headache-y, ear ache-y, hot feeling, head swollen like a watermelon sick. Blah. My plans for the evening include lying on the floor praying for the sweet angel of death to come and gather me unto its sweet bosom. I said bosom. Do you see how I am? Sissy. Big sissy. With the whining and the drugs and the whatnot. And by the way, I took some drugs at least half an hour ago and so far I'm very disappointed with their performance. Useless frickin' drugs. All they did was make my mouth taste funny. Gross. Okay. Nap time.

I Can Almost Smell Your TB Sheets

Do you ever go through periods (of time) where you listen to a particular band or song repeatedly ad nauseum and then suddenly you have no desire to listen to it again in the discernible near future and so you don't and then one day 2 years later you're struck by an irresistible urge to hear it again? This is me today. And the song is TB Sheets by Van Morrison. I don't know what it's all about but I was compelled to download it about half an hour ago and have since listened to it about 5 times. And I just don't know how I went without it for 2 whole years! It's fabulous. If you haven't heard it, download it immediately and if you don't like it just shut the hell up because it's great and I'm infatuated at the moment so it's best just to leave it alone. Ooo...and now my iTunes has skipped onto Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone by Otis Redding and that's making me very happy as well.

I Am a Freak Magnet

It's been awhile since I attracted any real freaks so I was thinking that maybe now that I'm a bit older, a bit more mature, perhaps the freaks had lost interest. Or maybe I just stopped giving off the "hey, I like big creepy losers, why not give it a shot?" vibe. But apparently not. My most recent foray into the wonderful world of freaks centers on a youngish native guy here in posh Duncan. He has a dog too. And he's started turning up every time I walk my dog. It's great. Don't worry, he's not following me, it's actually coincidence. Being that Duncan isn't so big and he tends to hang out by the liquor store which is right next to the video store that is currently my second home. His dog is a half pitbull, half something puppy (4 months old) that he seems obsessed with introducing to me and my dog. Because then they can be friends. And we can "hang out." Because god knows you can never spend too much time hanging out by the liquor store. Today I said his dog was cute as I whisked Lilo away and into the video store and he replied, "but what about me?" in what I can only imagine was his sauciest voice. Yeah. Smooth. So I laughed and kept walking. Why do the cute boys never pull out their saucy voices for me? Hmmm? Why? So anyway, he's my new boyfriend and I've decided to refer to him as my liquor store boyfriend. Just so you know.

Weird

So I'm at the gym today and I do the little monthly body fat analysis and measuring and weighing and all that super fun stuff and WOO HOO! I'm down all across the board. Except for one small thing. Well, two large things actually. My boobs have gone up! What the hell? Everything else is getting smaller but the boobs just keep going. Where is the justice?

Crazy

You know what's weird? I'm such a space case these days that I totally forgot that Monday is Valentines' Day. Maybe that's not so weird really it's just that usually I'm so gung ho. Irregardless of couple-y status. I like to bake the heart shaped cookies with the red and pink icing for my friends (and occasionally I may foray into the wild and wonderful world of naughty shapes just for fun) and hand out the cute cartoony valentines and all that crap. Once I filled my roommates room with balloons (with hand drawn dirty pictures no less) and made a giant glittery banner for his wall and stuck condoms (still in their packages and perfectly useful - waste not want not) all over the walls and it was great. He was waking up with glitter in his eyes for weeks! And who doesn't love a guy with that special sparkle in his eyes? Tee hee. Okay yeah, that was weak. I know it.Moving on. Anyway, I think I might have hung weird valentiney things from the ceiling as well. It was great. But this year I almost forgot! Crazy man. Am I finally outgrowing my disturbing affection for retarded holidays? I have no plans for the day. I've bought zero valentines. Zero! It's kind of sad. I cling to my holidays dammit!

Maybe I'll just narrow it down a bit. Like instead of going all out for every single holiday maybe I should pick just 3. I generally prefer holidays that come with a lot of inexpensive paraphenalia. Like Halloween. That's a good one. And St.Patrick's Day. Who doesn't love a holiday devoted to beer? And green is a good colour for me. It's true. Brings out my eyes. Does that even make sense? Brings them out? Where? Where are they going? And are your eyes really meant to be out at all? Isn't the whole purpose of eyes to remain in the head? So maybe not St.Patrick's. Hmmm.

I'm thinking next year maybe I'll go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Now there's a city that knows how to throw a theme party. With boobies. I can respect that. I bet I could have beads coming out of my butt at Mardi Gras. But then that would make it an entirely different kind of party wouldn't it? Nevermind. What are some other good holidays? I mean Christmas is good but so cliche. Everybody does Christmas. Easter? Too cutesy. I like a holiday you can toast to. And toasting to Easter just seems wrong. Although I could wear a pink bunny outfit...but do I really need an occasion for that? Shit. I'm running out of possibilities. I must be tired or something. Nope. I'm out. I'm just going to have to reclaim Valentines Day. My favourite colour is red and they sell so many fun things for my Valentines decorating needs at the dollar store. It's obviously a holiday meant specifically for my amusement. I'm just going to have to bypass this year (although now that I've remembered it again I may have to mail out some belated valentines at the very least) regroup, and commense plotting for next year. In the meantime, if there are any fabulous festive days that could be easily and cheesily accessorised that I've overlooked please let me know.

Aaaarrrrrrrrrghrhrhrhhhhhhh!

In case you hadn't guessed by the alarming number of new posts over the past couple of days I'm going completely nutty! I don't mind living in Duncan. Duncan is actually okay for the most part. And I'm glad that my parents are letting me stay here and sponge off them until I get things sorted out but some days I just want to gouge my own eyes out from the sheer boredom of it all. I get up, I work on the freelance stuff, I walk the dog, I work some more, I make dinner (most of the time) I sit in front of the tv and eat dinner, I work some more, I go for a walk, I watch some more tv (kill me now) and then I go to bed. Sometimes I go to the gym. And that's it. None of my friends live in Duncan (for obvious reasons) and I don't have a car and it's making me crazy. There's nothing like having no options to make you feel completely trapped and useless. I don't like it. I mean, I wander around and I play with the dog and I am really quite busy with my freelance stuff but having no choice about how to spend my day is really wearing on me. I miss my life in Tokyo so much sometimes I feel like I should be chewing my leg off to get out of this trap but that wouldn't really work either. And it's not actually that my life in Tokyo was great. Because it obviously wasn't. I just miss being able to leave my house and hop on a train or my bike and go somewhere completely different. I want to be able to hop into my car and drive out into the middle of nowhere and watch the stars. Or down into to Cowichan Bay to walk around near the water, and maybe sit on the pier for awhile. I like small coastal towns because you can do things like that. But here I am, and I can't do anything. Anyway, I'm done whining now. I'm going to go for a walk and get something to eat. And then I'm going to steal a car and drive around naked listening to country music. Because that's just how crazy I am right now.

Stinkin' Edits!

In direct and striking contrast to my favourite client in the world (Kohsuke's boss) who never has edits or concerns with any of my design work (happiness is an edit free design job and a warm bum but that's a different topic altogether) I am right now dealing with the stereotypical edit monster client. And it's driving me mental! Mental! Me! I know, it's a short trip and I'm all too familiar with the scenery but still. Must whine. Because that's what I do. Actually, it's not the client that picks my ass it's the people she works with that are killing me softly with their plethora (thank you Three Amigos for that fabulous word) of minute changes. And this horrible edit monster meatbag (thank you Tom for reminding me of that term which I will now use at least 4 times a day just because I can) keeps sending my damn comp files to the printer to look at even though I keep telling everybody that they aren't ready for print because they're frickin' comps and now the printer thinks I'm a total retard. Which is actually true but I can usually keep that under wraps with people who don't really know me. Of course the fact that I sent her an email with the print ready ad file and some contact info and then forgot to actually attach the file doesn't much help my credibility but whatever! I can accept responsibility for my own asinineness but not someone else's. I have enough of my own! The meatbag should keep hers to herself! Gah! Okay, that's enough now. I'm feeling much better for having freaked out in blog form. God I hate that word.

Clarification

I'm feeling the need to clarify what I posted earlier about true love with the overcoming all obstacles and the whatnot. Maybe it's because I've just been going through some of my photos and stuff from Japan (my boxes of stuff arrived and have been sitting neglected at the foot of my air mattress until this evening) or maybe it's the atmospheric indie-rock mix I've been listening to for the past hour or maybe it's just that I like to go over and over things in my mind until they're worn down to a smooth and featureless lump. Whatever the reason, I'm in a clarifying kind of mood.

So, it's not that I believe in "true love" in the fairy tale, princess running around kissing frogs or licking toads or whatever it is she runs around doing. I'm not of the one person for everybody and that's all you get and if it doesn't pan out the rest of your life is a wasteland of meaningless sex and loneliness persuasion. No, no. I don't think that you ever find this golden, shining individual without whom your life will remain incomplete who will swoop in and rescue you from the mundanities of life and all will be champagne and glitter (the good kind, not the Mariah Carey singing at pitches only dogs can hear kind) and you'll never fight and you'll never make each other cry for as long as you both shall live. I mean honestly, I'm 30.

What I do believe in is finding someone you can fight with. Someone who might make you cry or vice versa but who feels compelled to be near you nonetheless. Someone you can laugh with who makes you feel like you're the only person in the room no matter where you are and whose voice sends shivers down your spine for no reason at all. Someone who might have horrible annoying habits that drive you crazy to the point that you fantasize about stabbing them in the eye with your fork but who makes it all disappear with a wink or a lazy grin in your direction. The kind of person you can get lost in when everything else gets to be too much.

I was reading over my earlier posts and the one about love and Kate Winslets hair made me cringe a little (not the part about the hair, I'm still a big fan of the blue). But I'm not a big fan of blind romanticism you see. I'm not interested in the hearts and flowers and teddy bears kind of love. I'm all about the messy, passionate, compulsive love that isn't always tidy and happy and sometimes actually sucks alot because that's what life is like and we need the low points to recognize that value and sweetness of the high ones. And that's my clarification. On a side note, I keep typing "tino" instead of "tion" and I think it sounds much better. Fancy like. Clarifica-tino. It'll catch on. You'll see. I'm a visionary.

Whatever!

Enough with the snow already! I mean honestly. It's nowhere near Christmas time and everybody knows that that's the only really acceptable time for snow. Unless of course you go skiing. That's okay too. But in that case you are going to the snow. The snow isn't coming to you. I'm of the opinion that it should snow on Christmas Eve, Christmas should be a day of snowmen and snow angels and snow...whatever you do with snow and then on Boxing Day it should all just fuck off. Pardon the potty mouth. It's frickin' February for crying out loud and today it decides to snow! Bah! As if it's not bad enough that Valentine's Day is coming up (I'm no longer a fan) now it decides to be cold and icky on top of everything? Bad form mother nature! Bad form! I have to go now. My dog just stole a pair of my underwear and is running around like a total freak. Again with the bad form. Of course she just ran into the wall because she's a spaz so she gets extra points for that.

Woo hoo!

We got tickets! They're not Bono-licking tickets but they are tickets nonetheless. And the way I see it, I'm a creative and enterprising girl so if anyone can devise a plan for distance licking it's me. I welcome suggestions. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm really excited about this whole me and U2 in the same building thing. I don't know what it is. I'm not a big one for the groupiness and the whatnot but U2...they're special. I'm thinking of accosting their limo. Because I think that in the case of Bono limo licking should count as well. I mean he's really hard to get close enough to to lick. I once got back stage at a Grapes of Wrath concert. That's my brush with fame. Although at the time I was pretty frickin' excited. It was great. Tom the cute bass player had his arm around me and was telling people I was his girlfriend (I was 15, it was cool) and sneaking me beer and I was feeling cool right up until my friend came in and yelled across the room that his mom was there to pick us up so we had to go. Probably for the best in retrospect. So anyway, Bono licking. I will triumph! Woo hoo!

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind tonight and I have to say, I loved it. I'd like to say it was because of the fantastic performances or the crazy artsiness of the storyline or even the atmospheric soundtrack but it was none of those things. It was just because I am an overly romantic dork. I like to believe that there is such a thing as love that overcomes all obstacles and all that crap. Well, that and I really liked Kate Winslets hair. It was alot of different colours over the course of the movie and I could really relate to that. I so want blue hair. But anyway, there it is. If you haven't seen it, see it. Oh, the other day I saw a movie that I really fell in love with too. Garden State. For all of the above reasons (except Kate's hair) plus the guy in it is the guy from Scrubs and he's really, really sexy in that kind of dorky, kind of low-key slacker kind of way. I like the dorks. In case you hadn't noticed. Anyway, it's really late and obviously my brain isn't really functioning on the higher levels (fire bad, tree pretty - sorry, Buffy the Vampire Slayer quote - who's the dork now? don't answer that) so I'm off to bed. It's Snoozeville daddy-o.

I Have No Snappy Title Today

So this post isn't going to be a tirade or babble-fest or whatever. It's just an update.

So what's new? Nothing really (see I'm getting off to a really good start here aren't I?). I'm still Angela of the Air Mattress here in Duncan but oddly enough, that's okay. I'm looking at getting myself a car in a month or so which will improve my circumstances exponentially (I like that word but I'm not sure if I can actually spell it) with the driving and the whatnot. Did I mention that I love to drive almost more than I love just about anything else? Because I do. Anyway, looking at cars. Trying to decided to lease or not to lease. We'll see.

My trip to Vegas in May has sadly been cancelled so there are no Elvis impersonators in my forseeable future. I'm quite sad about that. If ever there was a time when I needed a little Elvis action in my life now would be it. I'll just have to find myself a local boy who doesn't mind leather and rhinestones. That came out wrong. Or did it? Yeah, we were going to go to Vegas for a stag weekend for my cousin who's getting married in July but some of the people just couldn't get together the money. Bastards. No wait, bitches. It's okay. I'll get over it. And Bono will help. Because my other cousin and I are planning to go and see U2 in a couple of months. Which is also exciting. I think tickets go on sale tomorrow. The key point here being "I think." The cousin is in charge of the ticketing.

What else? I'm looking at a different grad school. It's quite a departure from the schools and programs I'd been looking at and I'm pretty excited about it. But I'm not going to say anything else right now just in case I jinx it. Because I'm a dork. Yes I am.

I'm still working on the 2 big freelance projects ALL the time but one of them is close to being finished and then it'll become all about the portfolio and job finding. Grrr. It's a scary prospect. I'm planning on taking a couple of days once this project is finished to go away somewhere with my little dog, my laptop and my sketchbook to put together my online portfolio. I have trouble focusing here so I'm going to rent a little cabin somewhere (I'm hoping Salt Spring Island but maybe not) and get to it. It's a plan.

And that's pretty much it for now.