So sad

Well, as most of you know, my marriage to Kohsuke has come to an end. A sad, and icky feeling end too. I love him to bits and I wish it had worked out but no. I thought about leaving him many times but I just couldn't do it. You see, our unhappiness had nothing to do with compatibility or personality. We always got along fabulously and we still do. When I'm not calling him horrible names or crying that is. But prior to that. Our problems stemmed from our circumstances and the way we dealt with them. We made alot of bad choices and let alot of things slide when we should have been addressing them and now it's gone too far to go back because he's found someone else and I have no trust left for him. Or for anyone else unfortunately. I think I had him up on this pedestal. I thought he was the perfect guy (well, almost anyway), I thought I really knew him. I had him on this pedestal in my mind where he was the kindest, most honest, thoughtful and devoted man in the world. I really did. I looked at him and I saw only sweetness. I always thought I would be the one to fuck it up by fooling around with someone else because let's face it, I've been down that road before. But I was wrong. So, so wrong. I still believe that he's a good person. He's kind and he's funny but he's very capable of lying and not so much with the devotion. And it breaks my heart. Which has also happened before so I know that I will get over it, it's just that it'll be such a long haul. I've never been big on trust when it comes to men and now I don't know how I'll ever trust anyone again and that's a scary thought. He made me believe in romance and fairy tales again which is silly coming from a grown woman but it's true. He wasn't ever particularly romantic but something about the way he looked at me made me believe and that was a great feeling. I'd like to feel that way again someday. But for now, I just hurt. So much that I don't know how I'll get through it. I mean, I will get through it, but I can't quite see how yet. Although today I had a tiny glimpse of what it might be like to meet someone new and have that tingly feeling of new romance again so...I guess that's a good sign. But it won't be for awhile. Because I just need to sort myself out first. I think that's been my biggest problem in the past. I cut one person out of my life (or they cut themselves out) and I just replace them with someone new. I think I need to figure out how to make myself happy without having to rely on anyone else.