Gah!

So I'm feeling a lot better today than I have for a long time. I mean, I'm damn nervous about moving back to Canada, sorting things out with the student loan people and finding myself a design job but I'm also kind of excited. Terrified too. But people do this kind of thing everyday don't they? Dealing with debts, finding jobs, building lives for themselves. It's not like I'm the first person to have to do this. It's kind of funny when you think about it...I have no problem picking up and moving to another country (it seems easier even now just to hop on a plane to Korea or somewhere to teach english and travel) but the thought of trying to lead a "normal" life just freaks me out. I'm a strange animal, that's what I know. But I'm going to do it.

I worry alot though. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing going back to Canada or if I should be staying here for a few years to save money. But then I think that if I stay here teaching english for much longer I'd not only go insane, I'd be so far out of the design loop I don't know how I'd ever get back in. And I want to make a career for myself. I don't know how many of my old dreams are still really interesting to me anymore but I do know that I am a designer and I want to work in my field. Eventually I think I still want to teach. I love connecting with people and helping them to understand. And I love rhetoric. I haven't had much chance to expand my thinking on the subject over the past couple of years given all of the other things I've been doing but I'd love the opportunity to get back into it. Maybe I will eventually go to school and get my phd. Maybe not. But I want to be involved in my chosen industry. I want my brain to feel alive again. Because living here, in a country where even the most basic communication is a challenge for me, my brain has become a little numb. I've gotten so caught up in trying to navigate my way through the everyday stuff that I've neglected the more interesting bits. I don't know what it says about me or my relationship with Kohsuke but after the first week of our breakup (which was a nightmare) I'm feeling more alive than I have for months. I feel like I have some sense of purpose that I haven't felt much since we've been together. And it's good. I also feel really lonely but I can see how that can change once I get home and get out and about. I don't ever want my whole existence to revolve around one person again. It's too much. For me and for them. I need to make a good life for myself without anyone else in it. Except of course the doglet. The doglet can stay. Because she brings the happy joy-joy feelings. Of course she also brings the destruction of computer power chords, my glasses, the blinds and a number of other things but I'm told that's just a phase. Maybe if I had her teeth pulled out and fed her soft food...kidding. Sort of.

All this introspection is making me a bit stir crazy. I think my friend Moody and I are going to go to the Tokyo Dome tomorrow and go on the scariest looking roller coaster I've ever even thought of getting on. I was thinking about my birthday trip to FujiQ Highland Park and how I didn't go on the roller coaster there (or anything else really) because the whole time I felt scared and weird like there was something bad about to happen and I just wan't sure what it was about and I realised that the impending doom sensation was coming from Kohsuke and I and now that it's past I regret not having more fun that day. I'm not a chicken by nature. I mean, I get scared (terrified of rollercoasters because of the height issue) but that's part of the fun usually. So I'm going to go to the Tokyo Dome Park and reclaim my fun. Dammit. I may also wet my pants because this is one scary frickin' roller coaster but hey, it'll be fun. And if the roller coaster derails and I go flying into the side of a building...well, at least I wasn't hit by a bus right? Life is too short to be scared and nervous all the time and I used to know this. And now it's time for me to know it again. I just wish it was a little warmer. Brrrrr.

So that's my update. Now that I'm feeling a little better and probably won't feel the urge to post crazy, depressing monologues with snippets of melodramatic poetry sprinkled sporadically throughout too often I think I'll be posting more regularily. Is that really a word? Regularily? Regularly? I forget. This is what happens when you teach english in Japan. You forget how to actually speak (or write) english. It's very sad really. I'm going to go straight to my storage unit and dig out my gigantic dictionary as soon as I get home so people won't mistake me for a moron. Of course, I will be staying in Duncan for awhile so maybe I'll be alright. Tee hee. Kidding. Again with the sort of.

Okay bye!

Slugs and Hisses and Gimme a Job Wishes,
Angela.

Why did I sign my name on my own frickin' blog you might ask? It's my damn blog and you're not the boss of it so shut up! :-)