Please explain!

Let me tell you about the trains in Tokyo. Really, I spend about 2 hours a day on these frickin' trains and man oh man, some days that's 2 hours too many! They're comfy and extra reliable, not to mention the convenience but the minute those doors close people just turn into animals! Let me elaborate...

1. The nose picking. You've all heard me go on about the nose picking often followed by the munching of the nose nuggets (Virve! Look away! Look away!) or even better (?) the fondling of the nose nuggets. Blech. Have you ever tried not to look at something because you think you may just vomit but then you can't stop looking at it because it's just so freakish and offputting which makes you want to vomit even more? It's a vicious cycle.

2. The fake sleeping. In Japan the action of pretending to be asleep when there's something going on around you that you're not eager to be a part of is so popular that they actually have a special word for it. Panuki-Neili. Men do it in meetings, at parties, and especially on the trains. Elderly people standing on the train? No problem! Just pretend you're asleep! Again, old news but still fun.

My favourite of the fake sleepers is a skinny freak of a man who gets on my train (it's MY train dammit!) every evening on the way home wearing bright blue track pants (polyester track pants no less), a white t-shirt with collar (going home from work? sporty salary man? I don't know), and a head band/wrist band set. Fuzzy white. It's sexy. Anyway, he runs with his arms tightly tucked into his sides to get into the line up for the train (always the same gate, always the same car) and then weasles his way past the people who've already lined up as they try to get on. He then proceeds to elbow people out of his way (he's got the skills...no shoving, just a well placed elbow somewhere uncomfortable) to get as close to the seats as possible so he can be certain that no open seat will escape his eagle eye. Actually, aside from the K-Mart sporty collection ensemble he sounds pretty average so far. And he was. Right down to the parted in the middle, 2 inches too long hair. Until one day he did the most fantastically obnoxious thing I've ever seen. Two seats became available one night, one to his immediate left and another one right beside it (the corner seat...my personal favourite but not really relevant to this story). Standing directly in front of the seat that K-Mart was closest to was a little old man. He looked about 80 years old which means that he probably was actually closer to 100. Being the closest, once the seat came open the little old man had started to ease himself into it (not so much with the bending) when suddenly he went flying and slammed against the wall of the corner seat! K-Mart had hip checked the little old man and was in the process of stealing his seat! The best part is that in mid sit (knees bent, butt about a foot from the seat) he had already closed his eyes tightly in full on fake sleep mode! It was ridiculous! So now I've devoted my life to standing next to him on the train and stealing his seat as often as possible. It passes the time.

3. The drunken salarymen. Ahhh. Nothing better than a pack of red-faced, drunk salarymen staggering around a crowded train. Even better is when they barf. Or wet themselves. Just ask my cousin. She loves the drunken salaryman. Sometimes if you're lucky they'll give you their business card. Score!

4. The crazy old women. There is nothing in the world like an obatalian (nasty old ladies). They come up to just below your shoulder (and look like Shit-zus) but don't be fooled. They're vicious. Even more so than K-Mart with the hip checking. Anyone who gets into their way getting onto the train gets a sharp elbow jab to the midsection. Standing somewhere that they find appealing? That gets constant and repetative banging in the leg with their heavy bags or purses (God help you if it's been a long day of bargain shopping). And occasionally a subtle kick to the ankle or two for good measure. They're fun. I've seen them send younger, fitter girls flying. You should see what they do to the Barbie girls.

5. The Japanese Barbie girls. Where do you start with the Japanese Barbie girls? They're the ones that wander onto the trains wobbling along, shoulders back and asses out trying desperately to maintain balance on their 6 inch spike heels. Every time there's a lurch or a jerk in the motion of the train (which depending on the driver can be pretty frequent) they grab frantically at the rails or the person next to them (with the hand that isn't clutching their cell phone with it's 25 little charms) to stop from falling over completely. You should see them on the stairs. They don't take up much space thankfully (well, except for their hair) but those heels can really do some damage if you get in their way. We'll talk about the nails in a future installment devoted to fashion.

6. The baka gaijin (stupid foreigner). These are foreigners (usually North American men unfortunately) who don't seem to be happy until they've offended every single person on the train. They begin by pushing to the front of the train lineup. No waiting for them. No sir. They're white, they don't have to wait (yes, they often actually say this). Then they stand in a wide circle (they travel in packs these ones) forcing the other occupants of the train to squish up against the doors around them. Then they talk loudly about how ridiculous Japan is and how it's okay to say so out loud because the people are too stupid to understand them anyway. Because god knows that anyone who doesn't speak english MUST be at least semi-retarded. It's especially great when they take to swearing loudly at anyone who catches their eye. Not to mention when they get it into their heads to intimidate the nearest japanese male by standing over them and pushing them around if they show any signs of an "attitude". Do I sound bitter? It's really a shame actually. I've met quite a number of people here who believe with every fibre of their being that Canadian men are all dickheads based on the fine specimens they've seen here. Where are all the good Canadians!? Gah!

There is more (there's always more) but now I must perform my housewifely duties and make dinner for my man. Bahahahaha-HA. Payday isn't until tomorrow so I'm forced to cook (by cook I mean defrost) something this evening. Maybe I'll shred some lettuce and call it a salad. I'm too good really. :-)

Okay bye!

Kisses,
Angela.