Stupid Damn Grad School.

Well, I've decided that I'm going to apply for grad school. I have no idea where I'll get the money to pay for it but one step at a time right? If I really want this teaching thing to happen this is something I've got to do get on with. Sooner rather than later. And I really do want this teaching thing to happen. But the thing is, the program I'm applying to is really...scary. Not in an "oh my god they only accept 3 people a year" kind of way because that's not the case. It's just that it's a really alternative kind of program. Very big on the artsy but with a real emphasis on the intellectual. There's a melding of the two that isn't something offered in very many places. Which is actually not the problem. That's the good part. I can do the intellectual abstract thought and analysis and introspection and all that crap. It's the artsy part that wigs me out. Because to be honest, I'm not all that artsy. I'm odd, yes. But odd is very rarely enough. My portfolio, such as is, is almost all commercial art and now I'm wracked with self-doubt about the validity of my work from the point of view of an intellectual/creative grad school. It's the kind of school where people do their entire thesis and whatnot in performance art if they feel so inclined. And they know stuff about all of the important artists and art theorists and critics and they've explored alot of the main themes of the various art movements in their own artistic production and then there's me. I have a stack of really cute sketchbooks. And a whole bunch of design stuff. Oh, and that painting I did of Bob Marley after high school. Now that's art. So where will I fit in? That's my concern. Because if they're looking for artistic maturity they will be sadly disappointed. Nope. None of that here. Crap. I have to go paint something with my toes or something. Finger painting? Ironic weiner dog art? A new take on the dogs playing poker perhaps? Instead of dogs there could be cabbages! Yes. Cabbages. That's creative. Isn't it? What if the cabbages had fur? I'm screwed.